not sure what's up; email, a "how to communicate while focused on divine?" hangup

2007-11-02-0707

REVIEW OF DAY

After posting--around 8am, spent almost two hours writing an email in response to an email the person I'd called Wednesday had sent.

Decided to hold off sending it for a day.

Looked at paper.

Left, went to fig tree. Ate more than enough. Sat nearby briefly. Walked to state, was there by 1245.

Stopped by friend's house on way, visited her cat, wrote on pumpkin.

Found place to sit by 1pm. Did that till 730 or so.

Walked home--friend was not there. Looked for seeds in store--sunflower, peanut. Walked back to friend's house--she was there.

I was unaware that by that time it was almost 9pm? I begged four almonds from her. We talked about dental issues. Got some old pumpkin innards from her.

Went home, ate some of grandma's soup. Set my pot cooking. Roasted pumpkin seeds in microwave.

By 10 was eating?

Brought computer out here. Still distracted about responding to email. Decided to respond with simply a facebook invitation.

But got to messing with blog presentation.

And other fiddling related to it.

Then layout got messed up and no longer displays correctly.

guess I have to live with this?


finished "internet fucking" around 1 am. Brushed teeth. Slept.

Up at 630? Looked at paper. Now I'm here.

0802 was just messing with blog layout again. Added an intro link, an intro post, a "what I have to show" post.

The negativity about all this isn't positive.

But, generally, this internet work is a kind of mindless activity--not feeling enlightened.

---
So, what happened yesterday was that my mind ran and ran, and I sat with it, engaged with it, took notes.

I thought about how to deal with people emailing or calling.

I got over that. Eventually considered if I were a "shower," a guru of some kind, how would that work.

Another element in this time was that I found a good space to be indoors and at peace.

I let mind run on what to title this--"hvn"--when I was relishing the space.

---
When you sit for 6 hours in a dark room, and only leave because someone comes to use the space. . .

This is an odd thing.


I think it is possible because I got a view of where I may be headed the day before.

But I need to consider broader implications of this kind of sitting.

Another element was that I ate too many figs, guavas.

Today the problems of this were more apparent than ever.

Every physical distraction--reguritating, reswallowing what I ate too much of, for example--

prevents moving into that realm beyond mind.

So now I seem to have a higher incentive to control that eating issue.

Though I doubt there will be that many figs to eat again until next year.


Another major major distraction was an email I wrote but did not send. It is below, at very end, since this is supposed to be a record of all, problems as well as good functioning.

Ultimately I resolved my inability to respond by email by sending her a facebook invitation.

This email cunundrum spun me into renunciation mode: no internet, no paper, no posting -- I was considering that.

It was too noisy in here. (meaning in the mind).

Well, as long as I don't get emails. . . I think I can be ok. [They, and she, brought a kind of joy. . . but it is a distracting joy(?) something misleading? or is it true communion? what am I missing?]

So on the intro page there may eventually be a request not to call, not to email, and some info about why.

POINTS FOR IMPROVEMENT

Did not exercise body, except for walking.

No need to eat too much--but now have incentive, it appears, not to--I know what I miss by having the bad effects of overeating (previously, I enjoyed these effects).

Management of Internet use.

Unsure how to interact with others.

TO DO

I got to thinking I have something to show others.

But am I mad? Who could do what I'm doing?

What are the positive aspects of sitting motionless all day?

At any rate, there is opportunity for self evaluation here.

Is what I'm doing moral? Am I neglecting responsibilities? Escaping into this?

PLAN

Post this. I do not plan to renounce posting here yet--but if nothing here for a while, that is what happened. I will still be writing, I think, but will save posts and add them once a week.

Exercise of some kind.

Get back to sitting--in the same spot?

Get some different food.

Note: I am outside writing this. This is an improvement. I'm still not really present. . . But I see birds and plants and sky and other things. . . I feel more living more alive than when I am inside.

MINDLESSNESS, MINDFULNESS

see above.

INSIGHTS

Potentially many. But will let them sit and see what seems to stay, what continues to seem valuable.

Really, I seem to just want to get back to that space where I am watching, listening.

I don't understand what's happening here. Or its relation with writing here.

-----------

The overwraught communication. This is nothing new. Here it is documented. I should eventually be able to resolve this. Or find some way of preventing the mind-obsessing that thinking I need to contact someone causes in me.

I think human relationships are some of the most valuable parts of life. . .

But why do I find such value in my solitary trip?

Why do I honestly believe that I can do far more by sitting by my self than by communicating with others?

Something on the lines of: she is in me, I am in her; two clueless people do not more clues make,

And maybe there is a whole other plane--that we do not get to with each other by writing emails, talking on the video phone,

or even by communicating in person--

Without a careful structuring and intentioning of the experience.


That sounds like an opposite of the detached, easy, natural stereotypical way of the enlightened person. . . but: No stereotypes. Pay attention to source, act from that. [check with others who are on a similar trip to attempt to avoid going off a deep end--or is going off the deep end what needs to happen? (Trungpa: Jump)]

0830--before that:
ATTACHMENTS

Letting the mind run, engaging the running mind, sitting in dark, empty silent rooms for hours. See above.



THE UNSENT RESPONSE
--------------
Thanks so much,

What is your job?

It was odd for me to say there would be philosophical differences with bicycle city.
If you don't announce it to
https://lists.riseup.net/www/arc/carfree_network
(http://www.worldcarfree.net/listservs/ )

I probably will eventually.

it's not even in the greenpages!
http://www.worldcarfree.net/greenpages/?region[]=Ohio&searchnow=1

That's all,

I'm not sure there is a good way (for me) for far off people to keep in touch. Part of what I've been doing, and liking, is not communicating often by phone or email, except to arrange meeting in person, usually.

[Ah, the way I've been suggesting is that we just think/dream of the the far off person, and trust that that has effect. This was sort of Rudolph Steiner "Higher Worlds"-inspired.]

But I have used facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=24603807

Another good friend of mine Frank Cook, http://www.plantsandhealers.com/, manages to send short emails asking how I'm doing. I like that, but have thought I couldn't do the same.

--

I liked how you asked who I was and I either got it wrong or couldn't really answer well.

Ramana Maharshi, I think, teaches the method of asking yourself repeatedly "Who am I?" I never got anywhere with that until yesterday.

Here's one other thing:

The exclamation points! I'm using your email as a bit of a Rorschach.

If I write with them, they really cost me. I guess it is when I think I might use them, I'm putting on a happy mask. I'm not unhappy, but were I to use them, I'd be writing more energy than I want to actually be behind. Something like that.

So when I see your emails, I definitely feel a wow. Wondering what it must be like to be able to write like that.

Somehow, what this woman (and other women) is doing seems similar:
http://crazysexycancer.blogspot.com/

The other connection I make is with Chogyam Trungpa's "Warrior of Perky"--meaning a quality of energy his warrior or brave person manifests.

I guess I avoid the exclamations because I want more peace, more control (those may be contradictory) rather than to express enthusiastic love.

In person, with full access to others' expressive response, I don't always step back so much.

Peace,
Colin

Ah- I see you did mention Bicycle City in your first email.

This email is a great example of why I avoid email!

After speaking with you, I considered the value of saying less and of being silent more. There is such a temptation to go into a sort of brain-dump mode. Which doesn't feel like communication.

At least we got the silence/doing nothing part.

Next time: I'll ring a bell (if available) and pause for three breaths (following Thich Nhat Hanh), and the beginning, middle, and end of the conversation. How about that?

I have been tending to practice non-curiosity and lowering the eyes before people until they show up repeatedly in person in life. That is one reason I did not ask any questions. There is also the sense of being sought out and interviewed which was new.

Ken Wilber has explained that there is still a very real contact here, that all communication is mediated.

This I suppose is a question of balance. If I spend all my time communicating with people via computer and not with others in person, that is imbalance.

And perhaps so would be ignoring computer/ phone communication entirely.

Thinking ahead,there is the video phone technology too.

(All this is laid out here for me to (re)consider)

Time to quit.

I could be cool now and delete most of this and keep it to myself.

What I may do is save it for a day.

It's possible, as a result, if you're not busy, you will feel some tension wondering why I didn't reply sooner. That brings us back to the people around us and the place where we are.