Friday, February 15, 2008

where is the pleasure here?


I've begun to ask.

Visions of the impossibility of individuality,

Of watching behavior flow through me/this node

Of staying still until the motive came to move,
of swimming until the motive came to stop.

Of laying still, watching thoughts come, go, cycle--

letting them go--coming again--where are they coming from?

Where is the pleasure here?

Of looking back afterward on the absolute unquestioning in me as I wrote an email or worked on a web page for a long time--

Of questioning the turmoil that sending an email, preparing for an action, caused in me.

Why is this node / am I doing this? Where is the pleasure here.

Seeing and feeling there was no pleasure in the turmoil, in the cycling of thoughts--

I began to practice stopping -

When we ride on a horse which is out of control, I think our deepest wish is to stop. How can we stop? We have to resist the speed, the losing of ourselves, and therefore we must organize a resistance. Spending two hours on a cup of tea during a tea meditation is an act of resistance, nonviolent resistance. We can do it because we have a Sanghakaya [community of practitioners]. We can do it together, we can resist a way of life that makes us lose ourselves.
(From Nhat Hanh, The Path of Emancipation: Talks from a 21-Day Mindfulness Retreat., 2000. 110. 7-9)

- I saw Thay Nhat Hanh's smiling face. I saw the smiling, loving face of the monk teaching walking meditation. -

I slowed my walk, clasped my hands in front, and breathed in with a few steps, breathed out with a few steps, walking slowly. Bringing attention to where this node / I was, dissociating attention more often from the cycling thoughts, smiling a half smile--

all that I'd learned from Nhat Hanh, a visit to Deerpark, and time with others too--

So, where is the pleasure here?

I'm typing here--, I'm smiling a half smile, I have a little tears--

Where is the pleasure here?

Where do the words come from?

Why is this node / am I typing them?

Why do I continue?

Why did I start?

When will this motive stop moving through this node / me?


I go back to's little blurb about Teilhard de Chardin's omega point.

There is a Vision moving through me / this node.

Moving through every one--

If we practice stopping we can feel it coming.


Where is the pleasure? Lila?

Why did I ever mindlessly eat and read, eat and read? Not stopping till the food or reading was done?

Why did I ever work on sending an email, making a web page, not stopping even when it first got published, but going over and over the parts of it as if bombs had been dropped in my landscape, leaving new features to explore?


Why am I / is this node / is this writing / are these words
moving through this node.


So, the vision is coming.
I can relax about it.

I can practice stopping. Leaving the thoughts.

They will all get thought.

The ideas will all become happened.


Why is there ever lack of control?

What is the vision?

Why is it not already here? Is it not?


Why do we ever act contrary to the vision?


do we ever--


So, I watch my starting and stopping. Wondering where they come from.

Once, maybe unhappy, I thought there was no point to anything.

But I see now "I had never really stopped" (See Satish Kumar's story of Angulimala--_The Buddha and the Terrorist_. Buddha: "I have already stopped. You, Angulimala, have not.")

The thoughts kept going--

never really stopped.


So, do I just watch the vision coming? Where is the pleasure here?

Are the automatic times when it is coming? Is the writing here when it is coming? Is the working in the garden? Is the eating? the reading?


I don't just sit still and thoughtless for ever. The time comes to move again.


I rarely sit still and thoughtless for very long at all.

the helicopter circles compost that relaxes thich nhat hanh's smiling face as his body burns. overwhelming force. motivation embed.

[written 2008-02-10-0901 posted 2008-02-15-0746]

what does the connection I may be seeking look like?

live that way now

a motivational connection.

(1) I care for my body--the lack of connection is not such that I stay up late, neglect exercise trying remedy it

[so, live that way now]

(2) As part of our connection, we're helping transform the city into a more connective, less isolative space--

The motivational connection we create, tends to open up, to generate neighborhood-level love, connection, action support-- consistent with what city repair has done---
Reducing the motives people have to travel outside their neighborhoods--

[so, live that way now]


Helping organize in fallbrook is not consistent??-- Well, rainbow is closer than quail springs.--


Recognize that others all many of them seek connection too--

So I seem to feel it most strongly -- the drive to connect?
with people of similar age and background--

how do I help others of different ages and backgrounds do the same--
in a healthy, life-fulfilling/enhancing way?

City repair.


Recognize that years of dissociative, isolating planning and building have occurred and even now still continue,
resulting in an urban environment which is physically, socially, psychologically dangerous to be in--

Recognize we need to be together close, in the outdoors, in places free of that devastation, and pay the costs of doing that, though we may leave the city that needs to be repaired to have those times.


Now, I want to explore a smallness in me-- it may be a smallness--That may tend to isolate others from me--[--tend to create barriers between me and others]

I don't seem to share the confrontational focus of many activists in the area--I didn't help with no borders camp, for example.

Inwardly, I tend to fault many of these activists for accepting the use of the car in their work--, or in their daily lives.

So that is an isolative smallness I have, even as I occasionally will use cars.

Another isolative smallness I have:

If people are polished, stylish, creating a good, classy appearance, going to fancy restaurants, - - -

I tend to feel they are reinforcing "death culture" - They drive, they fly, they have 'culture.' the culture that destroys.


In that, I'm not different from the more confrontational activists--

If people are well polished, well equipped with consumer goods--

I tend to have this feeling that something is wrong there--there is rotting flesh there--



This may not be a wrong feeling on my part--
the ones who are successful in the culture of life, even as they draw funds from culture of what came before, do not have this feeling about them--

Warren Brush--, the folks at quail springs--they hardly have this well-consumed appearance--though they have vestiges.

The folks at earthaven. . .

I have what my mom sends me . ..

---Don is a good example of near total opposite,
though we all have vestiges of the time of conspicuous, classy consumption.


What is hard is that in SD it is very much the status quo--
if you go about with a non-conspicuous consumption appearance--
You must be strong, or it is easy to feel inferior--

We love to go with the herd, we love to not have to question what to do all the time--The more different we are, the more isolated we may feel (unless we are some spiritual god on earth--but even they needed their posse before they were strong), the slower, more weakly we may function, because just to exist requires constant self-reinforcement.


The primitive skills groups---
what does this have to do with the new culture?

Because there is a kind of renunciation, of simplicity that goes on. . .

Buddhists monks and nuns are different, living simply, and they have their posse to help them be strong in that way--



That's it.

The other vision---------------

That I don't knock myself out trying to do everything that could be done with the computer--

mapping all the gardens,
all the carfree casualties,

contacting all those who could be contacted. . .

That, like activistsandiego, we have a group who finds value in doing those things.


Do I need to learn to deal with money??

Kinsee, Kinz, Morlan, has her student loans. . .


Now what about the overwhelming force that is arrayed against or dragging behind the kinds of values i may be getting at--

just now, a helicopter is circling-- that is the kind of overwheming force--

--the highways are driven on, my grandma puts on perfume..

The newspaper people turn people's attentions to local and less local politicians--

some even support the building of new roads,
the attendance of mass sporting events. . .

--The helicopter circles, , ,

The highways roar. . .

The overwhelming force against peace---

Every year-- 12,000 [7,000] more state students--

overwhelming force--

The largest Meetups, the general--lets make friends--lets go to theme parks, lets go to ball parks, thats what friends do.

--the helicopter circles--

--The airplanes land and take off--

people, politicians, concern themselves with roads and airports and fire defense of suburbs--

--there are absolutely massive areas of pavement left over from poor planning days, and maybe even new ones (see the toll roads) planned--


These massive forces against life and peace make urban life one of

because just to exist requires constant self-reinforcement, and some how a practice of acceptance of abuses of peace, of good sense--

one cannot deal or thrive with constantly being dismayed,

by the helicopter that still circles--

by all those other things.


So what about these massive overwhelming forces that make me all to glad to escape, to give up, to accept death, to embrace to encourage the tumors inside me that will kill me and free me from these things at which I wish I were not so often feeling dismayed at, gritting my teeth at, shaking my head why at.


In the world I wish, these forces continually weaken, diminish, weaken, diminish, lessen, fade, wane, relax, mist away, cool, ease, are soothed, stroked to sleep and perhaps their throat slit so they die without adrenaline in their blood, making compost that relaxes.

Now what if I'm so far wrong? So far wrong that the trees in the little shred of a natural canyon left near here are cut down and the cyn is built up?

What other expansion of force could there be into my life at which I would dismay even more?

What if I read in the news, more suburbs are built, more roads are paved, more forests are cut, more helicopters are flown, more airports are expanded, retail sales are up, home size grows, water use grows, more habitat destroyed, more oil fields opened, more golf courses, more soldiers, more chicken factories, more dams, more people, more SDSU students, more cars,

I read in the news. . .

more helicopter overflights, more rumbling mufflers, more black soot on the leaves, on the figs,


More IDs. More tickets for being a pedestrian, more scrutiny, harrasment for not fitting in,


If all that and more?????

Given that there is all that and more? The confrontational anarchists, the ezln, the irc, survival international, starhawk, monbiot, your favorite activist here, remind us?


I just see Thich Nhat Hanh's smiling face.
As his body burns.

But it doesn't.

His body is younger than mine, and he is more than twice as old.


Can you be peaceful, at peace colin? not driven to consume to kill your health, your body?


the overwhelming force of all the lives so caught up in obligation to get to spend, even kinsey, kinz morlan, even , especially her?


not especially.

[from the notepad from a sitting near Chollas lake:]

"I am giving you your space,
to be yourself here."

"the non-story story
I want to tell --
the non news--

"moving from the
internet connection
w/ like minded,
to the in person
connection w/ like

"-see and touch and care fore
in person

Discoveries about the region --

your own discoveries

moving from region
to neighborhood focus

"They will continue to
pave, expand, grow,
make noise about it--

"the PC view / vision

"being so different,
how do you interact w/ people who are not your way??


"People in different
parts of the region
writing about their local area

"I love not having
to question what I'm doing

"what motivational
network would
I participate in?
In what would I
willingly self-

"still, unchanging,
until forced--

"development" as death
as refinement

"real people?"
"poor people" ?

Motive networks
time spent questioning

willingly re-embed

attention networks

Wanting to connect,

what is that
connection like?

What's it look like?