Saturday, November 3, 2007

an ethics that works (?)

After posting, got ready to go--for entire weekend. This took a while, and went to visit fig tree, then returned.

Visited friend. A lotus for you a buddha to be (TNH).

Went to pool at State. Swam .5 hour.

Sat. (130-330?).


Weights. Met Hale.

Got 4oz sunflower seeds on way here. Went by friend's place 3x. . . knocked 2x, not coming out.

Back here. Ben, friend coming for dinner. Cooked. Got ready for them.

812 or so they are here.

920 or so gone. I ate what was left. Waited a while. Went out to get peanuts- 1.5lb in shell. $2.50. Ate those, read _Cien años de soledad_.

Done around 1230? Sleep. Now here.


The eating was mindless primarily to the extent of quantities.

I was aware while eating, more than before.

But in both cases, leftovers, peanuts, keep eating until none left (there were 3 peanuts in shell I forgot--have not eaten those--).

In this situation the amounts were not killer, meaning it's staying down, I'm not hurting teeth (so far) due to stuff coming back up.

That's good. Teeth, gums, have improved very much since I began always teeth brushing and having defined end to eating 2x/day (lapse/exception: occasional fruit tree visit).

So--with that mindlessness--I control quantity by limiting what I buy of the foods I tend to really want to eat.

The peanuts, not especially good, but I decided I did really have a desire for that much fat or something. . . I had tried to stem it with the sunflower seeds, but it was not going away, so decided it was best to do. There was not a lot of mindlessness in that.

Stopping by friend's house repeatedly might have been mindless?

Agreeing to friend coming for dinner? I wanted to, it was new.

Dreaming? In my last dream I woke after shouting in anger at my Grandma: "Alright, snow white, go back in there and don't come out until you can say something positive!"

Definitely a valid expression of why I avoid her.

Also: getting on Inet before this?

Even with the mindlessness, I'm more aware than before, see below.


Greatest quality during afternoon sitting, and during weights, yoga afterward.


This is a biggie.

I'm wanting to quit this and go see friend. . .

I'll copy here some notes I made afterward, this may be fine for now.

This is not my body
This is not my mind
This is not my spirit

this is _our_ body
this is _our_ mind
this is our spirit.

Bodhi Svha, Friday 1528 2 November

This is not my body.
Am I caring for our body?

This is not my mind.
Am I caring for our mind?

by what I am doing now,
am I caring for our mind?

This is not my background quality--

This is our body
This is our mind
This is our background quality

Am I caring for our background quality?


I found this very helpful. Very helpful.

I can check in with this very often.

It, yesterday at least, had the effect of shutting down mind running, endless mind running, and getting me to focus on body, and

while focusing on body, to care for the mind, for the background quality (the most useful referent of "Spirit" I found).


Analysis, some interpretation:

Letting the mind endlessly run is similar to a food binge/ other mindless action.

What I did two days ago--responding to that new friend's email, or even sitting all afternoon, mind running. . . not lifting weights, not doing yoga--

Is similar to those binges-- it is like a mind binge.

But if--as with the body, this is not my body, and food--

I say, this is not my mind, by what I am doing now, am I caring for my mind?

I can see I'm not caring for our mind by thinking thoughts like that.

And, it seems, I can feel or at least conceive of the larger mind in which all our thoughts, verbal expressions are arising, passing away--

I can take responsibility for my participation in that larger mind.

I may try to write my new friend an email response now--

Thank you so much for sharing your appreciation. I would like to learn more about you. Do tell me who you are--!

(That is a great service you did me. If you want particular questions to help start you let me know. How old are you? (Doesn't have to be true). What is your job?)



That is the caring for our mind. In our mind--

Well, I got to editing that little bit, making it shorter--

In our mind, I think that is what wants to happen.

I don't focus on how (small) i feel about what she wrote. I don't focus on my reactions, my associations--my mind running, basically.

I just added the parentheses part.

Now, what is _not_ caring four our mind is, at some level, writing about this here.

I expect she may see I've written about my cluelessness here.

I don't expect a response at all.

--Just this:

Here, for all of our minds-- for our mind, is a record of this so we can learn.

--Just this:

I will be in this situation again and again-- and variants--

in this one, I shut down--binged-- and learned--

Maybe I can actually, in my responses, make the world a sunnier more hopeful place--

Not one where people are unable to interact. And shut down, like I did.

This is not my mind. By what I am doing now, am I caring for our mind?

This is not my body. By what I am doing now, am I caring for our body?

This is (not?) my background quality. By what I am doing now, am I caring for, am I aware of background quality?

What I learned from studying Holacracy -- their "Decision-making by integrative (or iterative?) emergence -- their recorded meetings and conference calls-- helped me get to this place--

helped me to understand the transcending of personal concerns in order to make decisions based in a higher level of consciousness.



now attempting considering writing that response.

Should I just leave it. I seem to have dissociated any personal feeling-- "I" don't want to learn more about her. Which I?

Am I caring for our mind by not sending a response?


I am. I just need to admit that I am weak. The thought of her replying and me needing to figure this out again seems worse than the thought of something being lost by not replying.


I know the emails Frank sends me do me good.

I guess she may be younger than I.

Am I caring for our mind / body / background quality by writing here?

Friday, November 2, 2007

not sure what's up; email, a "how to communicate while focused on divine?" hangup



After posting--around 8am, spent almost two hours writing an email in response to an email the person I'd called Wednesday had sent.

Decided to hold off sending it for a day.

Looked at paper.

Left, went to fig tree. Ate more than enough. Sat nearby briefly. Walked to state, was there by 1245.

Stopped by friend's house on way, visited her cat, wrote on pumpkin.

Found place to sit by 1pm. Did that till 730 or so.

Walked home--friend was not there. Looked for seeds in store--sunflower, peanut. Walked back to friend's house--she was there.

I was unaware that by that time it was almost 9pm? I begged four almonds from her. We talked about dental issues. Got some old pumpkin innards from her.

Went home, ate some of grandma's soup. Set my pot cooking. Roasted pumpkin seeds in microwave.

By 10 was eating?

Brought computer out here. Still distracted about responding to email. Decided to respond with simply a facebook invitation.

But got to messing with blog presentation.

And other fiddling related to it.

Then layout got messed up and no longer displays correctly.

guess I have to live with this?

finished "internet fucking" around 1 am. Brushed teeth. Slept.

Up at 630? Looked at paper. Now I'm here.

0802 was just messing with blog layout again. Added an intro link, an intro post, a "what I have to show" post.

The negativity about all this isn't positive.

But, generally, this internet work is a kind of mindless activity--not feeling enlightened.

So, what happened yesterday was that my mind ran and ran, and I sat with it, engaged with it, took notes.

I thought about how to deal with people emailing or calling.

I got over that. Eventually considered if I were a "shower," a guru of some kind, how would that work.

Another element in this time was that I found a good space to be indoors and at peace.

I let mind run on what to title this--"hvn"--when I was relishing the space.

When you sit for 6 hours in a dark room, and only leave because someone comes to use the space. . .

This is an odd thing.

I think it is possible because I got a view of where I may be headed the day before.

But I need to consider broader implications of this kind of sitting.

Another element was that I ate too many figs, guavas.

Today the problems of this were more apparent than ever.

Every physical distraction--reguritating, reswallowing what I ate too much of, for example--

prevents moving into that realm beyond mind.

So now I seem to have a higher incentive to control that eating issue.

Though I doubt there will be that many figs to eat again until next year.

Another major major distraction was an email I wrote but did not send. It is below, at very end, since this is supposed to be a record of all, problems as well as good functioning.

Ultimately I resolved my inability to respond by email by sending her a facebook invitation.

This email cunundrum spun me into renunciation mode: no internet, no paper, no posting -- I was considering that.

It was too noisy in here. (meaning in the mind).

Well, as long as I don't get emails. . . I think I can be ok. [They, and she, brought a kind of joy. . . but it is a distracting joy(?) something misleading? or is it true communion? what am I missing?]

So on the intro page there may eventually be a request not to call, not to email, and some info about why.


Did not exercise body, except for walking.

No need to eat too much--but now have incentive, it appears, not to--I know what I miss by having the bad effects of overeating (previously, I enjoyed these effects).

Management of Internet use.

Unsure how to interact with others.


I got to thinking I have something to show others.

But am I mad? Who could do what I'm doing?

What are the positive aspects of sitting motionless all day?

At any rate, there is opportunity for self evaluation here.

Is what I'm doing moral? Am I neglecting responsibilities? Escaping into this?


Post this. I do not plan to renounce posting here yet--but if nothing here for a while, that is what happened. I will still be writing, I think, but will save posts and add them once a week.

Exercise of some kind.

Get back to sitting--in the same spot?

Get some different food.

Note: I am outside writing this. This is an improvement. I'm still not really present. . . But I see birds and plants and sky and other things. . . I feel more living more alive than when I am inside.


see above.


Potentially many. But will let them sit and see what seems to stay, what continues to seem valuable.

Really, I seem to just want to get back to that space where I am watching, listening.

I don't understand what's happening here. Or its relation with writing here.


The overwraught communication. This is nothing new. Here it is documented. I should eventually be able to resolve this. Or find some way of preventing the mind-obsessing that thinking I need to contact someone causes in me.

I think human relationships are some of the most valuable parts of life. . .

But why do I find such value in my solitary trip?

Why do I honestly believe that I can do far more by sitting by my self than by communicating with others?

Something on the lines of: she is in me, I am in her; two clueless people do not more clues make,

And maybe there is a whole other plane--that we do not get to with each other by writing emails, talking on the video phone,

or even by communicating in person--

Without a careful structuring and intentioning of the experience.

That sounds like an opposite of the detached, easy, natural stereotypical way of the enlightened person. . . but: No stereotypes. Pay attention to source, act from that. [check with others who are on a similar trip to attempt to avoid going off a deep end--or is going off the deep end what needs to happen? (Trungpa: Jump)]

0830--before that:

Letting the mind run, engaging the running mind, sitting in dark, empty silent rooms for hours. See above.

Thanks so much,

What is your job?

It was odd for me to say there would be philosophical differences with bicycle city.
If you don't announce it to
( )

I probably will eventually.

it's not even in the greenpages![]=Ohio&searchnow=1

That's all,

I'm not sure there is a good way (for me) for far off people to keep in touch. Part of what I've been doing, and liking, is not communicating often by phone or email, except to arrange meeting in person, usually.

[Ah, the way I've been suggesting is that we just think/dream of the the far off person, and trust that that has effect. This was sort of Rudolph Steiner "Higher Worlds"-inspired.]

But I have used facebook:

Another good friend of mine Frank Cook,, manages to send short emails asking how I'm doing. I like that, but have thought I couldn't do the same.


I liked how you asked who I was and I either got it wrong or couldn't really answer well.

Ramana Maharshi, I think, teaches the method of asking yourself repeatedly "Who am I?" I never got anywhere with that until yesterday.

Here's one other thing:

The exclamation points! I'm using your email as a bit of a Rorschach.

If I write with them, they really cost me. I guess it is when I think I might use them, I'm putting on a happy mask. I'm not unhappy, but were I to use them, I'd be writing more energy than I want to actually be behind. Something like that.

So when I see your emails, I definitely feel a wow. Wondering what it must be like to be able to write like that.

Somehow, what this woman (and other women) is doing seems similar:

The other connection I make is with Chogyam Trungpa's "Warrior of Perky"--meaning a quality of energy his warrior or brave person manifests.

I guess I avoid the exclamations because I want more peace, more control (those may be contradictory) rather than to express enthusiastic love.

In person, with full access to others' expressive response, I don't always step back so much.


Ah- I see you did mention Bicycle City in your first email.

This email is a great example of why I avoid email!

After speaking with you, I considered the value of saying less and of being silent more. There is such a temptation to go into a sort of brain-dump mode. Which doesn't feel like communication.

At least we got the silence/doing nothing part.

Next time: I'll ring a bell (if available) and pause for three breaths (following Thich Nhat Hanh), and the beginning, middle, and end of the conversation. How about that?

I have been tending to practice non-curiosity and lowering the eyes before people until they show up repeatedly in person in life. That is one reason I did not ask any questions. There is also the sense of being sought out and interviewed which was new.

Ken Wilber has explained that there is still a very real contact here, that all communication is mediated.

This I suppose is a question of balance. If I spend all my time communicating with people via computer and not with others in person, that is imbalance.

And perhaps so would be ignoring computer/ phone communication entirely.

Thinking ahead,there is the video phone technology too.

(All this is laid out here for me to (re)consider)

Time to quit.

I could be cool now and delete most of this and keep it to myself.

What I may do is save it for a day.

It's possible, as a result, if you're not busy, you will feel some tension wondering why I didn't reply sooner. That brings us back to the people around us and the place where we are.


"j9k" is short and easy to type. It has no special meaning.

What I have to show

An insight:
This is not my mind. By what I am doing now, am I caring for our mind?

This is not my body. By what I am doing now, am I caring for our body?

Am I caring for our connection?

Am I aware of our ground?
from "an ethics that works (?)". And (connection), relational spirituality.

Thursday, November 1, 2007



After posting, I got ready to go. Called the one who had emailed. Not the "phone phobic in carland" one.

Left. Walked to park. Began yoga. Moved because of streetsweeper, leaf blower needing to be where I was.

Went to iceplant backyard canyon. Sat. Reclined. Sat. Reclined.

Returned to park (by now it was afternoon). Finished yoga.

Walked to visit Leslie (Your Enchanted Gardener).

Stopped by friend's house (not there).

Went home to cook, eat.

Read through more of kheper site before sleeping at 830.

Awake around midnight. Not sleeping, restless, considering again what to do--eat?

Stayed with it and went back to sleep.

Up around 5am. Began cooking. Connected to internet briefly--avoiding this, habit--and now here.


I am hungry and eating. Rencor vivo (my neighbor, Pedro Páramo).

When I woke up in middle of night, considering eating, "Your body is not yours."

It is no longer an issue of overcoming craving--though since what I have is basically rice, lentils, this craving is not intense--but of doing what is best for Spirit (?).

Not endlessly eating and reading causes me to stop reading. . . so I do not stay up late.

There has not been any great joy in this. There is, looming, a sort of satisfaction of achieving what has been a holy grail: moderate eating while in or near a house.

What I am eating is good.

I take a bite, seeing it first, and contemplate. True, I am writing this while finishing chewing.


I missed seeing my friend yesterday.

Leslie is a sort of guru.

So is everyone.

Everyone is.

Very few know.

When others appreciate you what do you do?


The night twilight internal.


Finishing yoga, when it was late in the afternoon. Not sure I would. And it went well, smooth, not too slow, not too much mind traveling.

The bobbing despair of so much noise everywhere.

Today Maya is not a rainstorm but a construction site or lawn crew next to one's seat. And throughout the neighborhood, echoing througout. And on, (I am the motors, I am the car alarms, I am the ringing friction of the saw on stone).

Street sweeper and leaf blower approaching.

Discontinuity of thought, while sitting.

Speaking on phone with new friend.

Remembering speaking with her.

Being asked who I am and not knowing,

and being wrong.


"Your body is not yours."

Another was: the discontinuity of thought.

What happened was, i Was Sitting, then reclined, and in a twilight state was aware of not thinking or feeling--

There may have been no noise then, temperature was perfect, posture totally relaxed.

The insight was: I had no identity--

It is: a feeling reminds me i am the one who Feels.

A thought reminds me i am the one who is Thinking That. (playing with Adi Da capitalization (?))

This connected with that morning when the guru I called was asking me who I was.

She asked how old.

I said 26.

Then realized I'm not. How odd.

There was a gap then--

And other times--

She would ask, so what has made you do these these things/ why have you done this?

There was a gap then--


Now Ramana Maharshi has, I think, taught a method of repeatedly asking "Who am I?"

Until today I never got anywhere with that.

"I don't know." was all, and left it there.

But now:

"I am the one who is thinking that. . "

"I am the one who is feeling that. . ."

And when the mindless cycling stops--like two days ago being stuck on remembering the title "Warrior of Perky"--when that stops--

There is no identity.

I have forgotten who mind was. No name, no age, no history. I look around--that is all there is.

Habits are not there.

But when I begin walking, moving, feeling, thinking, self/mind is remembered.

This is very much like what happens in the moment of waking up--perhaps especially if no dream at all.


I also asked, well, thoughts, you want to keep this chain going, so you are not forgotten. A chain of sensation-reaction-sensation (the Buddha mentions this).

So, Thoughts, you go round and round--like the cloud of gnats in the shade in front of me.

If you were to go somewhere, though, where would you go?

If my thoughts were to go somewhere other than round and round, where would they go?

Aurobindo seems to suggest these thoughts are limited, limiting. We transcend these somehow--and do something that is different. . .

Wilber has described a step beyond vision-logic.

Aurobindo's vision of higher human functioning I'd like to understand.

At the same time, I'm uncertain about the evolutionary view.

Stepping into, staying in, the gap, the discontinuity, could be it.


How loose I am--I thought then--you shake me, and I won't come back.

Trungpa's Bravery, and the oddity of Adi Da and other gurus can be understood then--only for me, in that discontinuity, no direction occurred.


Who are you?

I live with my grandma.

I have nothing else--no job, no life project.

Who are you?

I'm on this sort of spiritual exploration--sitting, learning yoga.

Who are you?

I post to blog often once a day, if I'm near a computer. . .

Those are some of the continuities.

You've read some of what I've written.--I've forgotten that; what you read is different than what I wrote; i'm Not There Anymore.

Gave That Up.

Memory goes away--so, why is not the forgetting, in _Cien Años_ more disruptive? I haven't read far past that, though.


I also had fun developing the pre-sitting ritual found in 7 laws: the breathing, and then saying a mantra, remembering a law, for each of the chakras.

The ritual is short.

But since in my sitting, I tend to relax into watching the wandering mind (and engaging it), it is good to do this little focused practice before that.

The laws are nice to remember. I like the law of Dharma--there is purpose.




My friend!

That this woman, new friend, asked me who I was, and that I did not know. I am attached to that having happened.

That she is a she. I am attached to that. Not that I can go anywhere with it. There are guys I feel about like that too--even then not really the same.

The hard thing is--the appreciation.

It has happened recently that I have gotten some expressions of deep, sincere appreciation. Sometimes I had first expressed such to the other, sometimes not.

But what then?

It would seem that as I/ should I become more noble, developed or something, there could be more of that.

So, the Arahat overcomes attachment to objects of her desire, and then. . . has the new issue of others' attachment to her. In theory.

See Patrick Sweeney (Mahamudra Meditation). . . my god-- he is a god.

So, the monk walks with eyes down. . .

Buddha with eyes up? Do you meet gazes? Do you seek gazes? A strong woman, when I see her, I look down, away. . .

She is in me, I am in her.


an added element is that a lot of this appreciation is not in person--the contact is via email, say.

I don't know how to deal well with this.

Frank Cook is my best role model, perhaps--but he does what I don't seem to want to do.

He sends quick, friendly emails on occasion, checking in to see how I'm doing.

I truly appreciate him.

So do we meet these in silence and let them go?

I am appreciating my highest self in him.

She is appreciating great parts of her in me.

I am appreciating my highest self in her. I tell her.

She does not need to respond?

For me, the ones to me, they seem to ask for responses. . . but they don't really?


So, this new friend, I asked her almost no questions. She lives far away. I keep my eyes lowered.

I'll leave this there for now.


I'll probably reply to an email she sent.

Maybe I can go see if my neighborhood friend is home.

Tomorrow or tonight write this outside in dawn. Not in here.

Do the yoga again.

Sit again.

Maybe go get more different things to eat somewhere.

Go through the day. Cycle.


Intention and Desire

1. Be clear of your intentions

2. Trust the outcome

Surrender the outcome to nature.

3. Practice present moment awareness

Chakra: Solar Plexus (behind stomach, below diaphragm)
Mantra: Ram.

Om Ritam Namah

My intentions and desires are supported by cosmic intelligence.

Intentions? I don't know.

Desires? I don't know.


Wednesday, October 31, 2007


Correction: the measure I use for rice and lentils/beans is just over half a cup.

Spiritual Law of Day, Wednesday, (Chopra, Simon) is:
The Law of Least Effort
1. Practice acceptance
2. Accept responsibility
3. Listen to your heart

"you do not see nature straining

"Timing and finesse are the tools for transformation

pp 61-2


Om Daksham Namah

"My actions achieve maximal benefit with minimal effort"

I posted, then looked at more of Adi Da stuff, then looked at paper. Then left to Baja Canyon, with intention to do the 7 laws yoga session again.

The sun got to me. I left to find another spot on campus, which I did, and went through session there, preparing my cheat sheet--I will not always be referring so closely to the language in the book.

At 230 was done. Went to library. Looked at more of Trungpa, Adi Da, Ghose Aurobindo, Yogananda.

Adi Da was easiest to get self to read.

Left, visited further away fig trees. Went home, cooked, ate, read a bit more about Adi Da.

I may be studying the kheper site more.


Some seriously unmindful speech to grandma. My usual policy has been to say as little as possible to her because her responses are not often something I want. I decided to let self go a bit. But won't any more, I think.

She said I wouldn't hear her if she screamed (out in the back).

I said that's why I go out there.

That was mostly it!

I decided not to visit friend--I wanted more silence today I guess.


Thinking about the spiritual autobiographies of gurus, I made a list to study: Cohen, Adi Da, Yogananda, Tenasi Rama of /com?

The kheper site seems to have done a good job of this.

In my quick looks yesterday, Aurobindo seemed to come out as the "source," the deepest source for much other work. [or most connected to the deep source of all work]

He's not easy to read for me though.


I think I'll walk across highway this morning and get some peanuts and maybe other things.

Finally the rice and legumes is getting a bit old.

I reached this point on my hiking trips--and got to ask myself, would I want to keep living if this was all I could eat? I decided yes.

But if I don't have to. . .

I also want to do the yoga session again working on getting the time down to the 45min to 2hrs it could take.

There's someone from who emailed me to call. She's very positive and enthusiastic. Maybe wanting to recruit me in some way?

She didn't mention the site, but a search of the phone number got me there. There's a lot already mobilized behind this.

Could I be involved?

Maybe she'll help me?

Well--I've been thinking, Auroville and Aurobindo / the Mother may be the leaders with the "completest view".

I wasn't as keen on other communities perhaps because of their unclear/ unreasonating / undefined spiritual vision.

But Auroville could be anything but that.

I would say "spirit first" when it comes to communities.

I am not at all certain a Secular earthcare / peoplecare focus, humanistic, progressive, urban, (like Portland) is enough.

Maybe that is the image you present to the general public? To some of the public? But deeper down there should be more?


Food wise things have been fine. I've wanted to eat more at times, but what I've been eating is enough. Today may be a bit different.

Waking up around 1am and not feeling tired was a bit of a challenge.

"What do I do now?"

I don't like to read then.

So I lay there, a bit restless.

Imagined having some spiritual content / vision to focus on.

BROADER PLAN: just keep learning this yoga practice for now.

Yesterday I was slow, a bit sore, not sure why, but found out going through the poses again--the Diamond one--starting kneeling, then sitting back, then raising to kneeling again.

The lower calories also contributed to slowness, to not focusing well on reading.

In the past I've been drugging self with food to make it easier to do certain things--perhaps.

OH--and in terms of the mind chatter--a lot was rehashing what I'd just written--sort of savoring parts of it--

I'm not sure what the mind is doing when it goes over and over those things--like the title.

So main focus today: the yoga, and getting some different things to eat.

Things may be different than this plan--it is time to stay here or walk the other way than across the highway.

This is very little. This is not much.

So, here we go, into


Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Warrior of Perky, Adi Da, 7 laws

been on Internet since 5am?? maybe not that long.

Posted, then was on net looking at,, nytimes, slashdot (really timekilling, self-escaping by then). Then paper? Then to ARC on campus. Spent till 2pm going through _7 spiritual laws of yoga_ by the rock wall and then doing weights (.5hr). Climbers came, went, came, went. Definite tension, attention draw, for me at least,--I know some of them, Babs, Ryan--and there was one woman, dancer, capoerista(?), amazing to watch her playing and skipping with a guy who energized her, made her joyful (maybe it wasn't him, just her). I said, (did my best to feel) she's in me, her energy is in me too. Self-focused, I thought she was drawn to what I was doing, the kind of energy I was sharing, as I was to hers. But what more can we do than that? No more.

It was odd and transformative to be doing those exercises and meditating there, and following a book. I couldn't find a more isolated spot--they were locked, and that one would work--I'd used it before.

Then, to the library, to get _Autobiography of a Yogi_ which I did, and also much by Sri Aurobindo (_The future Evolution of Man_ seems good to start with--a lot of the rest are massive tomes. _Integral Yoga_ was not there.), Adi Da (Da Free John/Bubba Free John), _Urantia_, _Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warror_.

First, went through _The Sacred Path_ . . . very nice. I may return to this one.

Then Adi Da's _The Knee of Listening_. Every other page, almost, a picture of him. Mind-blowing. He, in my interpretation, is telling everyone he is god and so are they (and how to realize that), but, so many find G-d through him. It is unreal, some of the pictures. You could not make this up better. White, middle-aged, north-american women, men, hailing, bowing down, to a happy, large-bellied, big Yoda.

Then _Autobiography of a Yogi_, but after Adi Da, couldn't really get excited about that. . . what could compare?

Then _Urantia_. Another tome.

Then the Sri Aurobindo books.

_Shambhala_ was a bit slow, at first, and somewhat repetitive--it is a compilation of lectures--, but then the depth, detail of the vision the author (Chögyam Trungpa) is presenting comes through. I was only skimming. But became aware that, as someone wrote of Adi Da, it is clear Trungpa has a good idea of what "it" is about.

He's sort of teaching a warrior personality, where "warrior" means brave person / bodhisattva, but secular, free from attachment to a particular religious heritage.

"Personality" should not be quite right (should be beyond personality), but I'll give it that distancing label for now. I've read the author was an alcoholic, and other things, and at any event,

we should not take this enlightenment stuff / "sacred warrior" business too seriously.

"Warrior of Perky" comes from there.

Then, the bells were ringing in the body (_7 Spiritual Laws of Yoga_ is done in order to be able to listen to the body (all layers, levels)) to go outside, to stop looking at books.

So, walked home, visited friend, fresh from Adi Da madness, (mostly the effect of looking at his pictures), could not help loving her (with some Trungpa "eyes so full of tears that when you blink they overflow"), so I listened, tried not to speak.

Then home to cook meal.

The routine has been going well-- it is basically a cup of brown rice, a cup of pinto beans (which have been soaked 8+ hours, sometimes sprouted), plus other ingredients. The brown rice takes a while. Yesterday evening, I was not wanting to wait--and cooked a squash + toasted the seeds (microwave), chewed on flax seeds.

In the evenings, past two days, I've been wanting to eat peanuts.

IN the past that has been a problem--only large bags are available near home--for more reasonable amounts must walk across highway and back.

So far, I've avoided the peanut binge.

I can also put things in the top of the pot that cook faster-- in this case, some of the lima beans--incredibly good, nourishing--that have been growing out back.

All earlier renunciations have been off except for sleeping outside, which continues to be a very good thing--partly because the howling man in the apartments is no longer there/doing his thing. Neither is anyone playing music loud, for the time being.

So I was out back.

Never got to reading.

Just contemplating.

In this case, _Shambhala_ and Adi Da--

A message I got from the day was that when you realize the peace--

There is nothing left to do but share it.

There are no other jobs left.

Now, Sri (Ghose) Aurobindo, and others, (The Mother, Auroville founder, is another one for me to look into), focus on the continuing evolution of humanness.

So when you realize the peace--as, to some extent, I did today--

I cannot really focus on the "private goodness" (Trungpa) of reading _Cien Años_.

Well, I wasn't then.

Doing so seems an escape from a more pressing, more personal question.




See above.

Food, friend-- friend is the only one I get to test out my "enlightenement" on. Can I stay there with her? Does staying there affect our interaction? Partly I stayed there, partly I left.

I'm on the Internet-connected computer. I already spent time on email, nytimes, facebook (Tuesday is the day I've been checking that)--perhaps 45 min to an hour. When I woke--450am-- got pot going asap, so it is done now, cooling.


will eat that. Look at paper.

Now when I woke there was a question: to go to Kroc and swim (pool finally open probably) @ 530, weights, then return here?

But decided to stick with what I'd been doing.

So, will go to campus. Will go through Yoga routine I'm learning. And do weights. I can swim in campus pool in afternoon if I want.

Then to library-- maybe more Adi Da or Cho:gyam Trungpa.

But that seems a bit. . . not there.

Maybe I'll just contemplate sharing peace.

I think the future sharing I do will have to do with the body. Sort of yoga-teacher like. A vision I got was me in park helping people learn routines that go with books: ITP Kata, 7 Spiritual Laws. I don't want people to be dependent on me as a yoga teacher. I could help them get established, and then send them on their way.

But, as I have no need financially to do anything like that, or, no need to do that for money--

I'm not sure what, if anything, will get me to do more than I am doing now-- with a focus on personal peace and writing about it.

My control of food is still tentative--and were I to stay at this house all day--I'm not sure what I'd do.

Having that control solid, and having the body (oral health & trim & flex & strength) that reflect that accomplishment are / would be an important thing I would have to share.

Once that body--then the garden maybe, or the focus on Subtle, Causal, Psychic --the bodies along those lines, though I'm not to sure what they are, and if ignorance of them doesn't hurt peace. . . then ok.

So those other leaders--Aurbindo, Adi Da, the Urantia guy, Wilber, seem to leak tomes.

Their message though, is listen-- don't read me--

"We have what we seek. It is there all the time, and if we give it time it will make itself known to us." Thomas Merton qtd. on p 175 of _the seven spiritual laws of yoga_

The Buddha has the more accurate complete message--Sila, Pranja, Samadhi (frome Goenka)--Morality, Wisdom, Purity of Mind-- (something like that).

It is in "US" if we give it time--and part of that is learning from others.

The challenge is the balance.

I/WE tend to go overboard in looking to others--reading endlessly.

So I'll be watching for that.

Reading the book--_7 laws_ and practicing it-- that was good balance, a good metaphor.

I really felt in school. Studying a book, immediately applying it.

So, I can study Trungpa, Adi Da,

I could apply them too, perhaps.

While maintaining, growing in Sila--the non-body harming way of life.



Before I got up, I want to note, my dreams--the past two or three?--incorporated eating and eating.

Searching for Yoda and Adi Da brought me here:

Monday, October 29, 2007


Good Morning.

Woke, began cooking, wrote my update for previous day, posted it. Wrote email in response to one I received. Ate and looked at paper. Left 830 or so? Visited friend, we talked for a bit--rent issues. I walked to school. Messed around trying to find classroom as it was still a bit smoky, but then just went outside, lay on bench at scripps cottage.

And that is what I did. Very lazy. Lay there mostly. Did sit for a bit, and did eventually begin to read _7 Spiritual laws of yoga_. Around 1 or so went into library. Used computer for a bit. Then back outside, finished reading, more or less, _7 laws. . ._

Then home, via fig tree. Cooked, ate, brushed teeth, read during this time _Sonora_, _Cien años_, some Italo Calvino.

That is mostly it.

The basic goal of day was to eat in morning and in evening and to brush teeth after meals, and to not endlessly read & eat into night.

That is what happened. Dental health may be beginning to recover.

Maybe today I'll do some exercise other than walking back and forth. Maybe I'll try out some of the yoga I read in _7 laws_.

Thought I would throw out any concern with mindfulness/mindlessness.

Got reading about the Sonorans, by a german Jesuit monk, and his description of the natives sounded like one I could relate to.




Post this, eat, maybe look at paper (a bit early for that).

Go to SDSU, do weights, I hope. This eating first makes me want to sit, and then I'm not getting to weights. Or do yoga.

Maybe look at _Autobiography of a Yogi_.

Maybe begin to think of doing something in garden?

Ignaz Pfefferkorn was the Jesuit monk.

Let me share his description of my new role models:

Imagine a person who possesses all the customary qualities which make one disgusting, base, and contemptible [not sure if I want to own up to that, the rest, ok]; a person who proceeds in all of his actions blindly, without consideration or deliberation; a person who is untouched by kindness, unmoved by sympathy, unshamed by disgrace, not troubled by care; a person who loves neither faith nor truth and who has no firm will on any occasion; a person not charmed by honor, not gladdened by fortune, or sorrowed by misfortune; finally, a person who looks only at the present and the sensual, who has only animal instincts, who lives indifferently, and who dies indifferently. Such a person is the true picture of a Sonoran. (Ample proofs of this pretty description will subsequently appear.) p. 166.

Not sure if I want to be always looking only at the sensual, but almost all the other parts of it work. And based on the rest of the book, the Sonorans are impressive.

I guess what I'd like most now, is to focus on excellent physical health--no more all of this laying about, but now to get some good exercise. Get a bit more trim, flexible, losing self in movement, and yogic!

So, the new yoga then.

That will be a tentative additional intention. Keep up with morning and evening eating of legume+rice, plus the teeth brushing. And work in more regular and sustained exercise.

With that base?

Then maybe I'll get the garden straightened up and get some new good stuff growing in there.

With that?

Just continuing to do that indefinitely sounds fine.


Sunday, October 28, 2007




Woke, cooked brown rice, pinto beans, seaweed, eggplant, beets, etc.
Looked at paper.
Went to campus. Wandered around. Found building to relax in--the leaf blower guys were out. This took a while. Some asbestos guys saw me coming out of the building I have been in, and probably told someone to lock up better. Other location, workers were in there. And final location was a bit unfamiliar, so found new spot.

Then, 10-11 or so, weights + bit on Erg (rowing) + jacob's ladder (hand and feet walking treadmill).

Came back to see parade. Parade cancelled. Found grandma, all dressed up. Her art form. All yellow, plus florist flowers in hat + perfume cloud. At least someone else walking by said how nice she looked.

Ate grains--12pm.

Got to reading outside--_7 spiritual laws of yoga_ Chopra, Simon.

Got to sleeping.

Around 3 or 4 got to eating more.

also switched to reading _Cien Años de Soledad_.

Later got back on the yoga book.

Amazing how all else is forgotten. Was up sort of late eating, reading.

The eating.

Relaxing in building.

None. Maybe _7 Spiritual Laws_ will help.

Oh-- it was to look more into Auroville / Sri Aurobindo.

Mindless eating.

Today, no return to home in middle of day. Will stay away until time to eat evening meal.

I will eventually just have to practice willpower to not eat at night (after evening meal) [or go sleep somewhere else]. Doing better with optimal nutrition may make this easier.

Also--with new routines I tend to fiddle a bit, so some of that was happening last night.

So much is left out of this review.

My mind went so many far-out places.

At one point last night I thought I would just not write more till serious change occurred.

The reading of a fiction work is significant. . . significantly odd. . .

I was reading the Yoga book--and realized I just did not want to read, so I was eating to get self to read. So tried fiction instead.

Yeah this is all the same story.


Another passing, abandoned insight:

Why I may not go to monastery: I want to find a way to do this where I am. . .

I have enough freedom. I think I should be able to.


I really need to focus on dental health more-- So lets see if today I can.

PLAN (continued)

After this, eat, look at paper, brush teeth.

Go to campus. Lift weights. Study yoga. Other good things. Do not return till 5pm or later to cook dinner. Brush teeth after dinner. Do not eat more. Sleep. Get up. Repeat.

Seems like I should be able to do that indefinitely. . .

Let's see if I hold it for this week.