Saturday, October 27, 2007

yes ^

07-10-26 20:46


A killer day. After writing last night, I began to sleep, but then got to eating and reading--varieties of rel. exp.

Was up very late.

Woke. Cooked white rice, lentils, eggplant, seaweed, etc. Looked at paper. Read VAR until I decided I was done. I did not read last chapter or postscript carefully.

Then slept till 4pm. Mind seeking escape. Not wanting to do anything. Got self out with figs as carrot. Doubt any figs stayed in.

Went to campus. Lay on Scripps Cottage lawn. Then to ARC. Walk in large dance room. Then sit. Then 730? leave. Visit friend for a short time. Then here.


Mentally, killer. One of those days I leave, and return. I was gone--gone to NYC, gone to monastery, gone, period.

Alot-- the eating and reading in particular. No space there. The figs. Eating period.

Change of routine to eat rice and lentils (not figs) in morning. Anticipating this may have contributed to mindless eating/reading the night before.

When neighbor was screaming at kid, practiced just being with the sense-perceptions, no interpretation, no reaction.

Not easy at all, never really succeeded. But if one could--that is like the single pointedness of mind the Zen guys use instead of anasthesia.

Finally, the walking meditation and focusing on feet movement in mirror got me out of mind, beginning to get into body.

All else, perhaps as it should, returned to the problem of my fundamental boredom--(over now).


First--was that I live a bottom-up life. Lacking a top down organizing principle, I do what I do to not suffer.

If I get sick of routine, then fall off it--as with last night, and make self suffer (life becomes pointless), then I am happy to renew routine.

So, the "^" means bottom-up.

In my attempt to address the lack of meaning, I daydreamed all sorts of futures. They seem irrelevant now. I just need to practice. To get back in "the kingdom of god".

Number two, was watching the lack of food space. This came in sitting this evening. Got to visualizing what I'd eat next. In the past I didn't think much of this. Now I see it is the lack of space, it is the attachment.

Tentative goal: to eat little enough so that it always stays in.

Basic goal: to eat rice and lentils and kombu every morning.

Number 1.5: I saw how the boredom, pointless state relates to saying "No" to everything.

William James points out that the Saintly state is a yes-saying state.

So I became more aware of my no-saying to everything.

I made an experimental renunciation of no-saying and an affirmation of yes saying.

"Do I want to go lift weights" "Yes."

Well I won't write it all out. . . But it is sort of an odd thing to play with.

Instead of letting every daydream end with a no--just say yes--and a change, an improvement of internal state, is there.

One daydream was really wanting good music. Hence an attraction to Christian monasteries over Buddhist ones. And for the more familiarity and greater resonance of ceremony/ritual. All that is left now.

But did focus on the music.

Earlier, briefly, focused on the literature route.

Just sitting wasn't getting me there. . .

But left that dream.

It comes back to routine. To rising early, eating right, exercising right, and to what end?

To avoid the kind of suffering / mindlessness I went through last night and today.

But is there any larger way to organize things beyond the daily routine??

Should I get to a monastery where there is good chanting/ music?

What do I do when I have the routine going fine and everything gets bland--there is no larger reason for what I'm doing beyond avoiding personal suffering.

Which, also, avoids causing others to suffer.

I don't know. I am, at least, more aware of this whole procedure / happening, by documenting it here.

My friend--
other things too.

Up pretty early. Maybe go out for a bit: jog, walk, or sit. Come back. Cook breakfast lentils, rice.

Something like that.

Lift weights at ARC in morning?? Do Kata in morning??

Majority of day. Just sit? Do any garden stuff? Keep doing nothing? Research Xian monasteries?

See parade with grandma.


Thursday, October 25, 2007

invulnerable space

07-10-25 20:58
I don't want to write you. At some point, I must not (narrow view).

I was there.

Wake, paper, figs, found, ate, candied apple, figs, friend, her question (interpretation), my response, cook rice, beets, pumpkin, beans, eat with her, walk, sit in 54th canyon, spitting some out, leave (long sit), to room on campus, read Mysticism chapter in _Varieties of Religious Experience_ on computer (long read), sitting fiddling at first, finally quieting fiddling, finally mostly just sitting and reading, contemplate pumpkin pictures, sleeping dragon,


shower at ARC, walk here, cook beans, rice, etc., with stove, sit with Gann with TV, eat, out back, under sky.

Eating candied apple--the major slip.


Eat legumes + rice 2x/day would be best--morning, evening--maybe.

Transcend routine.

Hero's Journey every day.

"mystic is *invulnerable*" - James

Remove intention, add attachments?

(not addressed?)


What am I doing with friend?

The nothing business plan.

Being with the empty space. Clicking building [cooling down?] brings me back.

Transcend routine, not freedom from it, sun rises, sets, cycles always there.

Not so skillful response to friend's unskilled interpretation/action.

I think we're onto bigger game, who knows.

Being with the space where that is coming from. Being with my attachment to her.

Trying to be with hers.

The support of doing nothing.

If you'd ever like to hang out and do nothing, let me know, I'm getting pretty good at it.

Later the nothing business plan--it is not really nothing--it is --

Trainings: I do nothing--just follow along.

Insight: the awareness of the effect of eating with other, of doing nothing with other.


Next, more chapters to read?

More sitting?

More eating.

Any transcending of routine? A larger cycle? A simpler cycle?

Lost the intention section because I know the intention:

To be there.

The maintaining of that space, "ripples on the surface of being."

To spend time there. Alone, with others. In face of all.

I lose it with food I guess.

But bring that space into all places.

Seek more challenging places in which to bring that space--that is attachment to friend--

to food too?

Friend: desire there. The space is required.

Food: desire there. No space required. But I need to bring it in. Want to bring it in.

Can I continue to neglect --

The mystic is invulnerable. TNH cries because he is human.

Food, then.

The last place I'm really vulnerable?

The last attachment without space?

Can I bring that space I have with her there?

Give up that mindlessness?

Give up that mindlessness?

Let's finish this, go eat more perhaps, and plan, intend to address this area, over time.


Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Sleeping Dragon

07-10-24 19:59
My grandma made this easy. I was on the Internet on the computer inside, then she comes along.

So here I am in the back.

I had to go inside last night because the air got so bad my throat was bothered.

Inside, I ate and read--this was 3am or so--typical indoor poor habit behavior, exploiting the sleep/eat motivation link, I guess.

But overall the effects were not so bad.

A main insight of the day was how quickly my mind starts interpreting sense impressions of Grandma Ann.

I was laying there--she is making noise in the kitchen, or letting the cat out, or, like right now, starting to wash something in the garage.

Those are fairly close to the sense-impressions. . .

But the near-immediate emotional reaction on my part to all of those things is usually strong, unpleasant.

What irritates me more, the dog barking, or my reaction to it?

Well, for better or worse I am so much happier avoiding those sense impressions entirely.

As long as the air is good enough, it is great to be able to be back here.

Hmm. Also, about today, while I got to visit my friend's cat, my friend was not there.

So I get some experience with the way of being--the flatter line--of a day without her.


I woke up, posted what I wrote. I think I ate some, looked at paper. I ended up going back to sleep, and slept a long time--till 1pm?

Then to visit figs--and met a fellow fig eater--an older European, I believe. He also eats the prickly pears.

The massive fig harvests are about over.

Then I lay under the tree nearby, where I have been sitting on occasion, and eventually roused myself to sit.

Then to my friend's house. Then to campus. I found an empty room with a computer. I looked at the slideshows of monks and of photos of the day.

I did sleeping dragon meditation (laying). The room was cool. Outside the air was still oppressive, somewhat.

This took me to my intention.

I was beginning to define it as along the lines of:

doing as little as possible

having as little effect as possible

causing as little change as possible

Not teaching--only being an example in the way I am now.

Perhaps others would act similarly, independently.


Mostly, I enjoyed awareness. Just enjoyed being there, on the cool floor, breathing cool air, in the subdued light, eyes closed, body lax, warm enough.

I am here to be aware.

I am being breathed.

My thoughts are being thought/ I am being thought.

I am just aware.

To be aware.

Unconcerned about contribution,

helping others do nothing could be a contribution.

Ignore it and it will go away--it or your awareness.

I am not prepared, I am not the hero. I am not the doer.

Being there.

I also thought off and on about our pumpkin carving fun.

I wanted to call my friend to see if she might be there, there was no simple way.

Having no alternatives, I went to lift weights--a good thing.

Six thirty or so, walked back here.

Sat watching the newspeople trying to keep talking for a while.

Eating figs.
The mind running away with its interpretations.

The time around the gann insight--with relatives, interpretations of sense impressions replace the sensations furiously, fast.

When I managed to sit after eating figs.

Sleeping dragon on the cool floor.


Walking home.

Approaching friend's place, emotionally aware, watching.

See above.

Subverting the bodhissatva vow.

Do nothing. Be an example to others, without seeking to be.

See above.

I did also consider getting out of dodge.

There will be more disasters. In one of them I may be, uncomplainingly, run over, unprepared, unworried.

But no sense in staying here and in breathing foul air.

But, doing nothing. . .

There really is no way.

It is a sort of least effort principle.

I am motivated for health, though.

Intention: what can I do that helps me be the most healthy?

Is a glowing pumpkin.



I am so successful not thinking ahead.

My main points are: writing and posting this. Lifting weights. Some sitting, just being aware. Getting out of the house/staying away. Probably stopping by friend's place.

Nothing, nothing beyond that.

Some bushes could use some trimming.

I could plant chard, turnips, radishes.

Paint gutters.


I also take pictures of garden once a month--coming up.

I could order kits from Jardine, so I could sew sleeping quilt, pack.

Could arrange visit to monastery.

Could read.

Just sit.

Volunteer with a voluntary service organization. Or anywhere.


Contemplate the anti-bodhisattva vow.

Help as many people suffer as much as possible?


the non-agenda, more or less.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go.

Just be right here,

or there,

sleeping dragon meditation on a cool floor,

body just warm enough.



07-10-23 21:05
Out of reverie.
technology is an issue.

How can I make reader suffer less?

A major mindless issue is writing about relationships with others.

I will be more careful from now on. No assuming this is not read.


After writing? was on the computer a bit more.

Then read paper.

Then got ready to go.

Went on walk--to a fig tree (did not need to eat any more, but time was ripe), then to 54th st, a way I don't usually go.

Then up a canyon I've not been up before.

I sat in some shady brush.

I followed canyon as far back as I could--not easy. Came back out. Walked other places I'd not been. Exploring suburban streets.

Then to campus. ARC was open - the campus rec center. Lifted weights. Showered. Lay in empty large dance classroom.

Then to visit friend. We and her neighbor, also a friend, carved pumpkins.

Then here to cook.

Pot is now sitting finishing cooking. 21:43

The fig eating--but a bit more mindful than usual. Getting a bit too into nosepicking today. Walking sort of. Interaction when with friends, definitely less careful than usual. Which may be the point. Computer use in morning. The bushwhacking while canyoning.

Some mindlessness has a point. When carving pumpkins--we're playing, I'm asking what the pumpkin wants to become. (?)

That time seems to be a pre- kind of state (see pre/trans fallacy), as does exploring suburbia, bushwhacking.

And pre- states seem very important!!

Sitting, lifting, laying.

I'm thinking the most helpful I can be is help people learn to stay still, to do nothing.

I considered writing an ethics--

But thought that contrary to the Dao.

The way of Nature definitely is not nothing.

Doing nothing brings me into opposition, into contrast.

It is not doing nothing. Acting completely.

Complete action (Genpo Roshi: Right view is in fact "Complete View")

I'm returning to asking the moment for its intention.


The enlightened person knows the goal,

Does not act contrary to the goal--

based on current partial understanding?

Some of what I have thought and said today has been contrary to the goal.

I am referring to my thoughts about others and communication with others.

The enlightened person can uplift those he is with, or those he is in any way in contact with.

That can be a good intention.


I can watch and see that my actions uplift and at the least that my habitual, quick responses do not down anyone or myself.


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Reeating Figs

07-10-23 7:38
Getting into writing:
Summary of the day:

Those could be my headings. It would be nice to write what others might read.


I could see the fires from here. So I left to eat figs.

After climbing on the roof to get a better look. To the east.

"This is more than I bargiained for--"

Fortunately or not for me the wind is blowing more from the north.


I messed around a bit much on the computer, but did leave, and went to swim, but pool was closed because of poor air quality. Also, the space could be used as a shelter.

I went to the iceplant and lay there. Then I read literature collected on my walking trip: an intro to vegetarianism by PETA, a guide to the San Diego green built tour, an intro to Self-Realization Fellowship.

I moved to the park under the tree, and sat and finished reading that.

I went back to the Kroc Center and lifted weights. That was a good thing--unsure, uncertain, not a part of habit.

My habit is to swim, then lift.

I may, finally, be returning to my habit of lifting nearly every day, regardless. . . today will be another test of that.

Then I went home. Ate some soaked grain, read paper. Moved to garden to finish that (inside was a bad scene).

And lay there, in a different spot than I usually am, enjoying being there, enjoying re-eating figs and grains. (what happens when I'm full/overfull)

Eventually I did some cleaning up of brush.

Then I went to visit my friend. We walked for a good while.

I came back here. I had to defend my doing nothing to Grandma Ann. Then I went to bed around 830 or so, tired.

Slept, with interesting dreams, outside.

Got up, saw fires, ate figs.

Now here.


Someone did call to invite me to dinner. Gann told him I would not be back till late. I'll call him back today.

Writing this in the morning is somewhat more mindless. It lets me go comatose into sleep.

To have no intentions.

I did not sit a lot yesterday.

Eating figs, reading paper, eating grains, lingering eating paper (reading paper) was a bit mindless.

Time with friend, I'm not always sure where to put that.

Sleep, without intention?


Lifting. Some reading. Enjoying being here in garden, after finishing paper. Watching wind blow.

Sleeping, dreaming.


On how writing in morning is letting myself slide a bit. Writing at night helps set intention before sleeping.

8:03 I don't have an intention other than being open, body, mind, to having one.

Others are out helping with fire evacuees.

8:06 A nice day here, while no smoke is overhead.

Seeing fire in the morning night, huge blazes in the far distance,

Something to sit with. How are the monasteries in the hills doing?

More mindful fig eating: Eat fig in two bites. Look at fig while eating it. Finish eating one fig before picking more.

8:11 My friend would spend more time with me.

I am happy with just a little each day. She trained me too, lessons in detachment.

When I first met her, I was still girlfriend-oriented. She was in no place to be one, and I don't think I was or am what she desires in that way.

It's been a year or two since then. Or lifetimes. I've had chances to explore desire, attachment, detachment.

Meditation, monasticism, in mind, at least.

I know I did once, and I know it is not my original face, to seek a lover.

I see the lookers, facebook friends, stating their looking.

I see the cycle, not the love.

8:18 Laying in the garden, reeating figs, watching sky, crows flying, blue, writing this, slight morning chill, low sun still.

This is all-

Small birds swim.

Green vines climb

Bamboo poles.

Fractal leaf veins, edges:

Wild Lettuce.

Odd cacti.

Ear wigs suffer

As I chase them,

Squish them,

Crawling over

My body.

Ants follow sucker bugs

On eggplant stems.

Warm air flows.

Distant sirens, chainsaw.

Near birdsong.

A bluejay, two now,

On bamboo spars.

Like a hawk.

Pedestrian walking,

Other side of hedge.


8:27 Intention?

Some notes from that day:

_The food revolution_ by John Robbins

Link to Conscious Christ.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Phone phobic in carland

07-10-22 5:19
I was up around 445. And went to use inside computer. This, outside, without Internet, is a better way.

Not long after finishing the previous post, I walked on. I arrived at Kate Sessions park, after having followed Ingraham Street for a while. Breakfast was Nahtal (sp?) plums. Left the park at 0853.

I stopped in at a little store at the entrance to one of the gated communities. I enjoyed sitting on a cushioned chair and listening to the music playing. That was quality mindfulness.

I walked by
I stopped in and watched some singing at Mt. Soledad Presbyterian Church. There was an ad for [called it orthodoxy] that got me to look at it.

Then I went by Mt. Soledad Park, down the steep road on the other side, and was on La Jolla Shores Dr. at 1034.

I examined a fancy house that was like a theater, and where the stage would be, the outside world was, behind a massive glass window.

I found a spot below the Birch Aquarium to rest a while. I put my bivy and sleeping bag out to dry on a bush. [FYI,] I've cut the zippers out of both, inspired by Ray Jardine.

I sat for a while, watched waves, surfers, mind, then lay down.

I walked up to UCSD, through a garden, past the Che Cafe, and to the Geisel Library. I sat on a chair by the elevator.

I found a computer where I could post, & check the bus schedules.

I caught the bus around 2:50, as ash was falling from some new fires.

I was mindful on the ride. It was a nice ride. From Fashion Valley, I caught the trolley to SDSU. Then walked through the canyon. My friend and her upstairs neighbor were doing the Kata when I stopped by.

I went to the fig tree and ate. Then went home, visited with Grandma Ann a bit, and cooked some grain I had left soaking, and a squash, and squash seeds, all in the microwave.

Then I prepared to cook the rice and the lentils and pinto beans I'd left soaking.

Before that I called someone who left a message.

I got the fire going and put the pot on.

After it was taken care of, and I could leave it to sit over coals, I walked back to visit my friend.

Returned here, and was up pretty late eating and reading.


That's it.

The worse mindlessness had to do with making the phone call. The woman at the other end, sounding young, energetic, positive, but now was not a good time to talk--could she call back later?

She could--she might get my grandma though.

That was the basic exchange--but I think a bad attitude of mine may have came through at the end.

And after the call was over, I felt a bit disturbed and second-guessing self on how I made the call.

Mind was not in present.

Making the fire to cook helped me a lot. The liquid flames and smoke helped me leave her and that.

For a while I was disturbed wondering when the phone rang that that might be her. The time passed when she would have returned the call, and I breathed easier.

I don't really question my inability to deal well with phone calls. I don't like the idea that someone may be trying to call me or that I need to try to get through to someone.

With my friend who lives near by, I rarely call her--and if I call, she rarely answers, but I can leave a message. She may be listening, she may pick up.

I walk by and see if she's there.

I had a feeling, when that woman called, that she was from a different world--a world of successfully-networking environmentalists.

I have had the same experience with like-aged women in SD Food Not Lawns. I would not relax well until the phone exchange was done and I knew I did not "need" to call anyone or to be called back.

[This happens when I use the phone for checking in with challenge course clients as well. & for almost any phone use.]

A silent phone seems to make me happy.

As a result, I am dependent on my neighborhood friend.


Another main mindless element was the eating. I had been on reduced rations for a while, which motivated me to return to fruit tree and to familiar food and routine.

When the calories in go down, I generally sleep more. With more to eat, I was more energetic later into the night.

I wondered if I could hold out and not use the stove--and I did (use the fire).

And I slept out here next to my nice fuzzy eggplant plants.

So, I want a fraction of a home, the fraction I have. If I wanted to be homeless more, I suppose I would be.

I want a fraction of a girlfriend, the fraction I have.

I love how friendly she is, expressing that she wants me to stop by. I felt a bit sad at saying "I'll see you when I see you"--part of the mindless speech, from the mindless acting, relating to the mindless eating, of yesterday evening.

Now, I may swim, weights, sit.

I still have more stuff picked up to read. And there is a paper delivered. I was already on the Internet for :45.

What would it be to stay focused on present, on Theos, and not lapse into these words written by others for purposes they have not thought through?

I imagine, I'd be in a community. Reading there would be related to the goal, written with the goal in mind.

Thomas Moore wrote that, while refecting, a monk might read from a text as the rest ate in silence.

6:01 There are shooting stars.

The air has cleared from the wildfire smoke.

Theos is here right now.

"Doing nothing since October 2007"

And writing about it.

A way to help?

I am here, now. Nowhere I need to go. Nothing I need to do.

Sunday, October 21, 2007


07-10-21 6:08
In the fog on a beach near a trash can, a beach on Mission Bay (once False Bay).

I was in bed around 730pm and ready for it. And slept until 1230 when there was a noisy group nearby, so I moved a bit.

After writing yesterday, I walked toward the Mission on the hill--I want to say Mission San Diego--but there's another one.

I found a great fig tree--that was breakfast.

I learned about the white deer of mission hills, just that there were some.

A plaque read:

"The white deer of Mission Hills.
Bliss in solitude beneath this tree,
Formless, silent, spirit free.
A friend."

I found some small squashes that I later found to be inedible.

I walked to my Point Loma grandparents' house and visited them.

There was a lot to talk about. Grammie also had the latest _communities magazine_ and some information about the Self-Realization Fellowship in Encinitas. And she'd been to TN with my other grandma, and my grandad had been to MT.

So there was also a lot to read.

By 2pm I left there, and went to another very good fig tree, then I met Jonathan (, and went to meet him and his dog Takeshi at a park at the edge of Liberty Station.

Later I walked to Ocean Beach. I watched people in People's Coop for a while. Then I went to the Green Store and visited Coleen. And Elaine, the cat. And found more to read.

Then I walked over the San Diego River, and met Andrew, a cousin of a cousin (?) who goes to UCSanta Cruz.

I think he's into religious studies--he was going to a wedding at the marina over there. He suggested a different route to La Jolla--

Mindlessness, Mindfulness, insights.

The amount of conversation yesterday was the challenge. I think I'm doing it more mindfully, but always there are lapses. Whenever I think of things to say but remain silent and listening, (at least until the speaker leaves a silence) I see that as a plus. [Better not to even think of things to say (?)]

Even better, I have been remembering a bit from the Mahamudra Meditation: to be as much as possible with the direct sensations rather than the interpretations of the mind.

I was walking across the SD River, just being there--contemplating how I was going somewhere because I had once thought of the future: to walk toward La Jolla,

And now, I could question that, or just be in the present, going somewhere.

And that may be how I come from theos--just stay in the present moment for now.

"and past and future take care of themselves. . ." Odd.


Only mindlessness: some of the fig eating [, looking for fruit trees]. Some of the reading. Some of the walking.

Insights: just with the present moment/ focus on Theos paradox--not really an insight.

And how coming west has been like coming out of the wilderness into progressive information overload--

Some notes from my reading:

"Dee Dee, Charley, and Momsie
Join the white deer's
Everlasting spiritual journey"

and to self-

"Study curcuribit family: poisonous?

Front loader washer for Grandma Ann-- (to save water)

From communites mag, to look up perhaps:

Ananda Communities

Most beautiful nominees:


L'Arche at La Borrie Noble, Languedoc, France: no electricty or cars, draft horses

Moshav Yodfat, Galilee, Israel--I think Galia who I met at Quail Springs is from there.

To read:

_Autobiography of a Yogi_ by Paramahansa Yogananda

In SD:
first ave at redwood. 619295 0176

To get off junk mail: (from the people's coop newsletter)


Sharing my insights with Grammie was some of the most fun.

Maybe I had good news for Coleen.

She is an activist, not super-hopeful.

What I did not say was that Holacracy gets away from consensus by calling their method "decision-making by iterative emergence"--something like that.

6:59 Time for sky, water, sand,
body. Bye writing mind.

peace, Colin