Sunday, December 2, 2007

to look forward to each day; watching the wind in the trees

You might have noticed:
I've not yet renounced everything to live the life of a homeless beggar. Who meditates.

I sort of came to the resolution that I won't renounce everything.

Or that much. At least not yet. Not until I have to?

Then: If I'm not going to renounce, what will I do.

And I got to looking at jobs.


Also what occurred--there is a decent (ongoing) challenge course work opportunity coming up--for a while I thought there was no go on that--and then it came back.

My mood followed that a bit.

Then I got to thinking about working for land trusts or doing some sort of urban planning.


One thing comes back to me though.

In a way I am totally free--it seems I don't really care whether I'm homeless or not, or even alive or not--so I am free to follow divine guidance (or divine lack of guidance).

On the other hand, while I am alive,

I tend to return to comfortable situations.


I've been affected by the guy who runs the soilandhealth web site/library (Steve Solomon). He writes:

When I needed to earn a living I made my work into play. My father wished that one on me. In a moment of great sincerity he said that he only wanted me to accomplish one thing in my life: that I would wake up each morning and look forward to what I had to do that day--something he frequently failed to achieve himself.


at this point there's nothing I really have to do. Except care for my part of our body.

the rest goes into caring for mind?

so I've been sitting around--sometimes--when I'm not on an internet research binge (like this morning: affordable housing, how to buy a house)

Meditating sometimes.

watching the wind in the trees.

while chewing mindlessly on unpopped popcorn kernels. . .

I thought I was going to contemplate applying to teach sailing.

That's something I was thinking of doing to get out of the house more, and to have more connections.

Oh. What I realized when going to SANDAG for the meeting (downtown, at least an hour bike ride, through pouring rain on that day), is that simply having to transport oneself from one place to the next can be mind-quieting.

It can help to be doing something more complex than walking--such as riding a bike or driving.

All those people can actually like driving--I understand this--and many of them listen to audio books and other things like that.


Once one has decided one needs to go from point a to b,

while one is doing that, one doesn't really need to wonder what to do in life . . .

So, I miss new york city a bit.

I was looking at the "streetsblog" started by some people there.


At the same time, I enjoyed my walk today, and could stop and be still along the way without getting cold.

So this is a bit of what is going on here.

The only work I'd love getting up for--I think--

is probably outside,

and probably does not involve guiding gaggles of people.

And could be away from cars. (and all engines)

I saw that UCSD needs mariners/seamen.


But part of what I'm doing is staying still.

My trip downtown and back was positive.

And opened me to traveling more.

The new challenge course work involves a commute.


Wallace Wattles has affected me a bit (on how to be great / a genius).

I seem to waver between wanting to be great

and enjoying bare consciousness: how amazing--I can hear, feel, see. . .


And since I have no desires that are not met- - -

Why should I do any more than sit about being amazed that I can hear, feel, see?


Because someday, Colin, you will have desires? There will be no food or shelter?

Or because humans have the drive to grow, to self-exceed (Wattles, Aurobindo),

And sitting about being amazed that you can hear, feel, see,

does not cause you to grow?


Ok. So you have a picture of how things are going.

This picture here is not representative of an average of my time:

I've been driven: thinking about affordable housing, and that land trust idea.

I've been despairing (see post from before going to SANDAG). That happened to be a grey day. So that could just be the weather.


It does not seem like it would take much to buy a $200,000 condo. . .

Unfortunately nothing with salary that I've thought of passes the "would you look forward to getting up? to what you have to do?" test. . .

The land trust / coop angle seems a bit of a hassle.

And if I play god: the people are doing o.k.--my interference isn't really called for-- [everything is perfect as it is. . . and incomplete]

unless it can be play.


And I guess that works.

10 or 20 years from now maybe I'll be sleeping in the canyons or in a car or on a boat or in a shed or in an office building or who knows.

My vision of self (following Wattles):

I don't worry about that.

(I don't think I'm telling the truth there--unless I'm practicing being peaceful my mind is constantly seeking for something good to do).



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