Saturday, October 13, 2007

I am not that

07-10-12 20:21 I'm almost missing my appointment with you.

My mind has shut down, and this is an effort.

I've so far stayed true to the renunciations listed yesterday.

I'm in an empty classroom. There is some fear because a worker perhaps is walking back and forth.  Doors squeal as they close.

A challenge is my friend, my attachment at some level to wanting more from her.

I will leave that.

The day began fine. I walked across the highway and sat in Del Cerro park.

I noticed, watched the choice to stop sitting. It came from a sort of dissatisfaction/unease.

I got food at windmill farms. A supply of Kombu seaweed was the mission. I ate, a bit unconsciously, .25 lbs sunflower seeds, .35 lbs sesame. Walked back.

Sat, rested, in library. Returned home (12pm?), via guavas, old figs. Looked at paper. Went to visit/raid fig tree, a bit unconsciously.

My grandma was upset about my cutting of a shrub.

Then keyboard arrived for clie, and tech time was spent getting it working right with dvorak layout.

Palm Stowaway Dvorak keyboard layout

For the most part, the KB is working fine.

In many ways it is wonderful to be able to write like this, in silence, no fan, on battery power. And I think the weight is under one pound for KB + clie.

So I can go anywhere and write, provided the battery lasts. With good overhead lighting I do not need the backlight on.


So the space is opening. My life has changed with the adoption of those renunciations. And this practice.

Were I at home, I'd be eating and reading . Last night I was up late fiddling on the internet a bit. Not at resting place until 11.

And now?

Heat is an issue--the lack of it.

Ultimately, I'd like to help people.

I was considering why I'm not a part of Deer Park Monastery. Jennifer Joe had an article in Vision Mag I was reading about TNH, DPM.

"I am not that"

is the voice that comes in mind when considering DPM, anarchist houses, other possibilities.

"I am that" is what the yoga guru says. . .

DPM is doing the solar power, the gardening. . . Composting. TNH, the monks, nuns there, are being very eco.

I have to let my friend go.

That may have to be another renunciation--

may be.


There's not much escape now. I either be at peace as I am. There is no eating to escape with. And I could only keep myself reading by eating. . . So I've not been reading.

I sit. Focus on breath in abdomen, putting mind in body. Sometimes considering the wandering thoughts.

Sitting is more compelling than reading.

Sitting may be where new insight, next idea for action comes.

Oddness, being out of place--a lone walker--

a rough sleeper

doing what the others don't do.

"what do I want to become?" was a question that occurred today.

I want to help people.

So, I've made a first step. I'm no longer, at least for most of the day, escaping in harmful ways.

Being attached to my friend won't help her or others or me.

So, I walk by without stopping to visit--Visiting has been an escape from whatever it is.

I need to value this space, this time, and sitting time.

And there are others as dedicated to whatever it is I am doing--those are ones to work with.

I'm free, except for my desire to be different somehow.

Good night.


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