Monday, October 22, 2007

Phone phobic in carland

07-10-22 5:19
I was up around 445. And went to use inside computer. This, outside, without Internet, is a better way.

Not long after finishing the previous post, I walked on. I arrived at Kate Sessions park, after having followed Ingraham Street for a while. Breakfast was Nahtal (sp?) plums. Left the park at 0853.

I stopped in at a little store at the entrance to one of the gated communities. I enjoyed sitting on a cushioned chair and listening to the music playing. That was quality mindfulness.

I walked by
I stopped in and watched some singing at Mt. Soledad Presbyterian Church. There was an ad for [called it orthodoxy] that got me to look at it.

Then I went by Mt. Soledad Park, down the steep road on the other side, and was on La Jolla Shores Dr. at 1034.

I examined a fancy house that was like a theater, and where the stage would be, the outside world was, behind a massive glass window.

I found a spot below the Birch Aquarium to rest a while. I put my bivy and sleeping bag out to dry on a bush. [FYI,] I've cut the zippers out of both, inspired by Ray Jardine.

I sat for a while, watched waves, surfers, mind, then lay down.

I walked up to UCSD, through a garden, past the Che Cafe, and to the Geisel Library. I sat on a chair by the elevator.

I found a computer where I could post, & check the bus schedules.

I caught the bus around 2:50, as ash was falling from some new fires.

I was mindful on the ride. It was a nice ride. From Fashion Valley, I caught the trolley to SDSU. Then walked through the canyon. My friend and her upstairs neighbor were doing the Kata when I stopped by.

I went to the fig tree and ate. Then went home, visited with Grandma Ann a bit, and cooked some grain I had left soaking, and a squash, and squash seeds, all in the microwave.

Then I prepared to cook the rice and the lentils and pinto beans I'd left soaking.

Before that I called someone who left a message.

I got the fire going and put the pot on.

After it was taken care of, and I could leave it to sit over coals, I walked back to visit my friend.

Returned here, and was up pretty late eating and reading.


That's it.

The worse mindlessness had to do with making the phone call. The woman at the other end, sounding young, energetic, positive, but now was not a good time to talk--could she call back later?

She could--she might get my grandma though.

That was the basic exchange--but I think a bad attitude of mine may have came through at the end.

And after the call was over, I felt a bit disturbed and second-guessing self on how I made the call.

Mind was not in present.

Making the fire to cook helped me a lot. The liquid flames and smoke helped me leave her and that.

For a while I was disturbed wondering when the phone rang that that might be her. The time passed when she would have returned the call, and I breathed easier.

I don't really question my inability to deal well with phone calls. I don't like the idea that someone may be trying to call me or that I need to try to get through to someone.

With my friend who lives near by, I rarely call her--and if I call, she rarely answers, but I can leave a message. She may be listening, she may pick up.

I walk by and see if she's there.

I had a feeling, when that woman called, that she was from a different world--a world of successfully-networking environmentalists.

I have had the same experience with like-aged women in SD Food Not Lawns. I would not relax well until the phone exchange was done and I knew I did not "need" to call anyone or to be called back.

[This happens when I use the phone for checking in with challenge course clients as well. & for almost any phone use.]

A silent phone seems to make me happy.

As a result, I am dependent on my neighborhood friend.


Another main mindless element was the eating. I had been on reduced rations for a while, which motivated me to return to fruit tree and to familiar food and routine.

When the calories in go down, I generally sleep more. With more to eat, I was more energetic later into the night.

I wondered if I could hold out and not use the stove--and I did (use the fire).

And I slept out here next to my nice fuzzy eggplant plants.

So, I want a fraction of a home, the fraction I have. If I wanted to be homeless more, I suppose I would be.

I want a fraction of a girlfriend, the fraction I have.

I love how friendly she is, expressing that she wants me to stop by. I felt a bit sad at saying "I'll see you when I see you"--part of the mindless speech, from the mindless acting, relating to the mindless eating, of yesterday evening.

Now, I may swim, weights, sit.

I still have more stuff picked up to read. And there is a paper delivered. I was already on the Internet for :45.

What would it be to stay focused on present, on Theos, and not lapse into these words written by others for purposes they have not thought through?

I imagine, I'd be in a community. Reading there would be related to the goal, written with the goal in mind.

Thomas Moore wrote that, while refecting, a monk might read from a text as the rest ate in silence.

6:01 There are shooting stars.

The air has cleared from the wildfire smoke.

Theos is here right now.

"Doing nothing since October 2007"

And writing about it.

A way to help?

I am here, now. Nowhere I need to go. Nothing I need to do.

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