Phone phobic in carland

07-10-22 5:19
I was up around 445. And went to use inside computer. This, outside, without Internet, is a better way.

Not long after finishing the previous post, I walked on. I arrived at Kate Sessions park, after having followed Ingraham Street for a while. Breakfast was Nahtal (sp?) plums. Left the park at 0853.

I stopped in at a little store at the entrance to one of the gated communities. I enjoyed sitting on a cushioned chair and listening to the music playing. That was quality mindfulness.

I walked by sdfrenchschool.org.
I stopped in and watched some singing at Mt. Soledad Presbyterian Church. There was an ad for Salvomag.org [called it orthodoxy] that got me to look at it.

Then I went by Mt. Soledad Park, down the steep road on the other side, and was on La Jolla Shores Dr. at 1034.

I examined a fancy house that was like a theater, and where the stage would be, the outside world was, behind a massive glass window.

I found a spot below the Birch Aquarium to rest a while. I put my bivy and sleeping bag out to dry on a bush. [FYI,] I've cut the zippers out of both, inspired by Ray Jardine.

I sat for a while, watched waves, surfers, mind, then lay down.

I walked up to UCSD, through a garden, past the Che Cafe, and to the Geisel Library. I sat on a chair by the elevator.

I found a computer where I could post, & check the bus schedules.

I caught the bus around 2:50, as ash was falling from some new fires.

I was mindful on the ride. It was a nice ride. From Fashion Valley, I caught the trolley to SDSU. Then walked through the canyon. My friend and her upstairs neighbor were doing the Kata when I stopped by.

I went to the fig tree and ate. Then went home, visited with Grandma Ann a bit, and cooked some grain I had left soaking, and a squash, and squash seeds, all in the microwave.

Then I prepared to cook the rice and the lentils and pinto beans I'd left soaking.

Before that I called someone who left a message.

I got the fire going and put the pot on.

After it was taken care of, and I could leave it to sit over coals, I walked back to visit my friend.

Returned here, and was up pretty late eating and reading.

--

That's it.

The worse mindlessness had to do with making the phone call. The woman at the other end, sounding young, energetic, positive, but now was not a good time to talk--could she call back later?

She could--she might get my grandma though.

That was the basic exchange--but I think a bad attitude of mine may have came through at the end.

And after the call was over, I felt a bit disturbed and second-guessing self on how I made the call.

Mind was not in present.

Making the fire to cook helped me a lot. The liquid flames and smoke helped me leave her and that.

For a while I was disturbed wondering when the phone rang that that might be her. The time passed when she would have returned the call, and I breathed easier.

I don't really question my inability to deal well with phone calls. I don't like the idea that someone may be trying to call me or that I need to try to get through to someone.

With my friend who lives near by, I rarely call her--and if I call, she rarely answers, but I can leave a message. She may be listening, she may pick up.

I walk by and see if she's there.

I had a feeling, when that woman called, that she was from a different world--a world of successfully-networking environmentalists.

I have had the same experience with like-aged women in SD Food Not Lawns. I would not relax well until the phone exchange was done and I knew I did not "need" to call anyone or to be called back.

[This happens when I use the phone for checking in with challenge course clients as well. & for almost any phone use.]

A silent phone seems to make me happy.

As a result, I am dependent on my neighborhood friend.

--

Another main mindless element was the eating. I had been on reduced rations for a while, which motivated me to return to fruit tree and to familiar food and routine.

When the calories in go down, I generally sleep more. With more to eat, I was more energetic later into the night.

I wondered if I could hold out and not use the stove--and I did (use the fire).

And I slept out here next to my nice fuzzy eggplant plants.

So, I want a fraction of a home, the fraction I have. If I wanted to be homeless more, I suppose I would be.

I want a fraction of a girlfriend, the fraction I have.

I love how friendly she is, expressing that she wants me to stop by. I felt a bit sad at saying "I'll see you when I see you"--part of the mindless speech, from the mindless acting, relating to the mindless eating, of yesterday evening.

--
Now, I may swim, weights, sit.

I still have more stuff picked up to read. And there is a paper delivered. I was already on the Internet for :45.

What would it be to stay focused on present, on Theos, and not lapse into these words written by others for purposes they have not thought through?

I imagine, I'd be in a community. Reading there would be related to the goal, written with the goal in mind.

Thomas Moore wrote that, while refecting, a monk might read from a text as the rest ate in silence.

6:01 There are shooting stars.

The air has cleared from the wildfire smoke.

Theos is here right now.

"Doing nothing since October 2007"

And writing about it.

A way to help?

I am here, now. Nowhere I need to go. Nothing I need to do.