Saturday, October 27, 2007

yes ^

07-10-26 20:46


A killer day. After writing last night, I began to sleep, but then got to eating and reading--varieties of rel. exp.

Was up very late.

Woke. Cooked white rice, lentils, eggplant, seaweed, etc. Looked at paper. Read VAR until I decided I was done. I did not read last chapter or postscript carefully.

Then slept till 4pm. Mind seeking escape. Not wanting to do anything. Got self out with figs as carrot. Doubt any figs stayed in.

Went to campus. Lay on Scripps Cottage lawn. Then to ARC. Walk in large dance room. Then sit. Then 730? leave. Visit friend for a short time. Then here.


Mentally, killer. One of those days I leave, and return. I was gone--gone to NYC, gone to monastery, gone, period.

Alot-- the eating and reading in particular. No space there. The figs. Eating period.

Change of routine to eat rice and lentils (not figs) in morning. Anticipating this may have contributed to mindless eating/reading the night before.

When neighbor was screaming at kid, practiced just being with the sense-perceptions, no interpretation, no reaction.

Not easy at all, never really succeeded. But if one could--that is like the single pointedness of mind the Zen guys use instead of anasthesia.

Finally, the walking meditation and focusing on feet movement in mirror got me out of mind, beginning to get into body.

All else, perhaps as it should, returned to the problem of my fundamental boredom--(over now).


First--was that I live a bottom-up life. Lacking a top down organizing principle, I do what I do to not suffer.

If I get sick of routine, then fall off it--as with last night, and make self suffer (life becomes pointless), then I am happy to renew routine.

So, the "^" means bottom-up.

In my attempt to address the lack of meaning, I daydreamed all sorts of futures. They seem irrelevant now. I just need to practice. To get back in "the kingdom of god".

Number two, was watching the lack of food space. This came in sitting this evening. Got to visualizing what I'd eat next. In the past I didn't think much of this. Now I see it is the lack of space, it is the attachment.

Tentative goal: to eat little enough so that it always stays in.

Basic goal: to eat rice and lentils and kombu every morning.

Number 1.5: I saw how the boredom, pointless state relates to saying "No" to everything.

William James points out that the Saintly state is a yes-saying state.

So I became more aware of my no-saying to everything.

I made an experimental renunciation of no-saying and an affirmation of yes saying.

"Do I want to go lift weights" "Yes."

Well I won't write it all out. . . But it is sort of an odd thing to play with.

Instead of letting every daydream end with a no--just say yes--and a change, an improvement of internal state, is there.

One daydream was really wanting good music. Hence an attraction to Christian monasteries over Buddhist ones. And for the more familiarity and greater resonance of ceremony/ritual. All that is left now.

But did focus on the music.

Earlier, briefly, focused on the literature route.

Just sitting wasn't getting me there. . .

But left that dream.

It comes back to routine. To rising early, eating right, exercising right, and to what end?

To avoid the kind of suffering / mindlessness I went through last night and today.

But is there any larger way to organize things beyond the daily routine??

Should I get to a monastery where there is good chanting/ music?

What do I do when I have the routine going fine and everything gets bland--there is no larger reason for what I'm doing beyond avoiding personal suffering.

Which, also, avoids causing others to suffer.

I don't know. I am, at least, more aware of this whole procedure / happening, by documenting it here.

My friend--
other things too.

Up pretty early. Maybe go out for a bit: jog, walk, or sit. Come back. Cook breakfast lentils, rice.

Something like that.

Lift weights at ARC in morning?? Do Kata in morning??

Majority of day. Just sit? Do any garden stuff? Keep doing nothing? Research Xian monasteries?

See parade with grandma.


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