Wednesday, October 17, 2007


so, I missed writing to you yesterday. And here I am.

The oats were a problem, but that is over.

A thing of value I read two days ago was "this is it." I think Kabat-Zinn quoted Gary Snyder about how the routine aspects of life aren't things in the way of our practice, they are our practice. Whatever we're doing, that is it.

I got up, looked at paper, went to swim, did weights, went to sit. The park worker was working on his weedeater, so I went back aways into a nearby canyon-sort of space and sat there. I still heard him though, weedeater, leafblower, plus the usual helicopters. I got to feel/move through a bit of despair about the noise. A bit of fear about the neighbors whose backyards I was behind.

So my violent thoughts included imagining sniping the park worker. From that, I worked on compassion--but even then I was compassionate imagining how he might change.

Here I'm at the house--gann's. Already heard from her. Now hearing the neighbors whine. Now hearing the cat wanting to go in, if in, wants to go out.

So, I was sitting on some cardboard on the iceplant. The park worker finishes leafblowing--goes to another section of park.

I meditated on spirit. Or on the bios, noos, theos distinction. I got to asking "what is theos?" again. It may be sitting with creative force as a friend. In all other ways of being, I am being used by creative force. In other ways, I am following drives for agency/communion.

It's not a straight dichotomy.

Eventually I walked on, visiting the prolific fig tree.

Then--went back to house. Definitely seeking to avoid grandma ann, climbed over fence, and she was back there with her friend, and I had to stay still and listen for a while.

I managed to get in and out with my sleeping stuff + books to return.

Eventually went to library.

I xeroxed sewing patterns from a Ray Jardine book I was returning, and pages from _The seven spiritual laws of yoga_ by Chopra and Simon before that.

Bad effects of oats + figs were starting to slow me down.

I read _7 spiritual laws_--

I like it. I've been checking it out over and over, without reading it, because it has a practice to learn--like the kata. The part I xeroxed is the summary of the practice at the end.

At the library, I was waiting, and an old woman looked at me and went in front.

I lost it then. . . not in any bad way externally, but really that was it--break in practice, break in just being aware.

(as was hiding from G. Ann), probably other things too.

The physical feelings of oats+figs was reducing my "Transparency to the divine" making it harder to just watch.

I read outside a while. Went in, looked at mags. Looked at _New Yorker_ for an odd sort of reason--a Boston friend says she reads it.

Noticed, in a way, I was reading to reject--but not entirely. That is the mocking feeling I addressed earlier, reading, but looking for reasons not to read. Some drew me in. And I was more aware of this whole process--a sort of reading from inadequacy. "Wouldn't it be nice if I were like the people who read the New Yorker?" But I'm not.

Walked around a bit more to places I have not walked. Found an unharvested dragon fruit plant, but did not harvest or ask to. (feeling oats and figs).

Eventually sat on bench. Sun was setting. Watched people in their cars.

Walked to visit my friend. I had been by earlier. She was there this time. She asked if I'd want to do the kata.

What a wonderful thing.

We did, in canyon. I stayed there for the night, not wanting to move after that. A bit concerned about detection.

After a bang, a while after, helicopter with search light came out. And was sort of close by. They also have infra-red.

Got the worse part of my digestive indiscretion out of me--these were steel cut oats, not cooked, that is the main reason for the problem.

I know not to do that but my no-microwave affirmation was getting in way.

Had some time to just be there, in the night, maybe for an hour after midnight, or more. Body scanning, being in the body, letting go of mind-impulses to move or do.

Woke the last time, after dream that took me away refreshingly, in the drizzle. 5:48am. Went to see friend. Then went to visit far away fig tree, before coming here.


So, the main issue that is coming up--remember: mindlessness, mindfulness, insights--is my avoiding Grandma Ann. That is not awareness of being already enlightened.

The old woman in the library was a pile on to that. A second issue was the park worker, and all other noise makers, police and news copters, and the confined natural space of the canyons, so close to the backs of houses, where relaxation is more of a challenge. Another issue was the harm I did to self by eating. Another issue was the oddness of my way of being compared to those of others here--the many users of cars. Another issue was the _New Yorker_-related inadequacy.

The main one may be Grandma Ann. She is good, wants to be caring, to have someone to care for, and she also is everything I don't wish to be--an enforcer, liver out, of habits. She is where witches come from. Other times, when her habits have had to been lost (a recent return via airplane), she looks entirely different, while her concerns are not.


The recurring question, "Stay or leave?" The recurring issue is the same.

How does a buddha living with his grandmother act? Does a buddha do that?


Thankfully, mind is shutting down now. But a central issue has been here.


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