twilight

2007-11-01-0546

REVIEW OF DAY
After posting, I got ready to go. Called the one who had emailed. Not the "phone phobic in carland" one.

Left. Walked to park. Began yoga. Moved because of streetsweeper, leaf blower needing to be where I was.

Went to iceplant backyard canyon. Sat. Reclined. Sat. Reclined.

Returned to park (by now it was afternoon). Finished yoga.

Walked to visit Leslie (Your Enchanted Gardener).

Stopped by friend's house (not there).

Went home to cook, eat.

Read through more of kheper site before sleeping at 830.

Awake around midnight. Not sleeping, restless, considering again what to do--eat?

Stayed with it and went back to sleep.

Up around 5am. Began cooking. Connected to internet briefly--avoiding this, habit--and now here.

GETTING INTO WRITING

I am hungry and eating. Rencor vivo (my neighbor, Pedro Páramo).

When I woke up in middle of night, considering eating, "Your body is not yours."

It is no longer an issue of overcoming craving--though since what I have is basically rice, lentils, this craving is not intense--but of doing what is best for Spirit (?).

Not endlessly eating and reading causes me to stop reading. . . so I do not stay up late.


There has not been any great joy in this. There is, looming, a sort of satisfaction of achieving what has been a holy grail: moderate eating while in or near a house.

What I am eating is good.

I take a bite, seeing it first, and contemplate. True, I am writing this while finishing chewing.

0621

I missed seeing my friend yesterday.


Leslie is a sort of guru.

So is everyone.

Everyone is.

Very few know.

When others appreciate you what do you do?


MEMORABLE EVENTS

The night twilight internal.

Hunger.

Finishing yoga, when it was late in the afternoon. Not sure I would. And it went well, smooth, not too slow, not too much mind traveling.

The bobbing despair of so much noise everywhere.

Today Maya is not a rainstorm but a construction site or lawn crew next to one's seat. And throughout the neighborhood, echoing througout. And on, (I am the motors, I am the car alarms, I am the ringing friction of the saw on stone).

Street sweeper and leaf blower approaching.

Discontinuity of thought, while sitting.

Speaking on phone with new friend.

Remembering speaking with her.

Being asked who I am and not knowing,

and being wrong.

INSIGHTS

"Your body is not yours."

Another was: the discontinuity of thought.

What happened was, i Was Sitting, then reclined, and in a twilight state was aware of not thinking or feeling--

There may have been no noise then, temperature was perfect, posture totally relaxed.

The insight was: I had no identity--

It is: a feeling reminds me i am the one who Feels.

A thought reminds me i am the one who is Thinking That. (playing with Adi Da capitalization (?))

This connected with that morning when the guru I called was asking me who I was.

She asked how old.

I said 26.

Then realized I'm not. How odd.

There was a gap then--

And other times--

She would ask, so what has made you do these these things/ why have you done this?

There was a gap then--

---

Now Ramana Maharshi has, I think, taught a method of repeatedly asking "Who am I?"

Until today I never got anywhere with that.

"I don't know." was all, and left it there.

But now:

"I am the one who is thinking that. . "

"I am the one who is feeling that. . ."

And when the mindless cycling stops--like two days ago being stuck on remembering the title "Warrior of Perky"--when that stops--

There is no identity.

I have forgotten who mind was. No name, no age, no history. I look around--that is all there is.

Habits are not there.

But when I begin walking, moving, feeling, thinking, self/mind is remembered.

This is very much like what happens in the moment of waking up--perhaps especially if no dream at all.

-------

I also asked, well, thoughts, you want to keep this chain going, so you are not forgotten. A chain of sensation-reaction-sensation (the Buddha mentions this).

So, Thoughts, you go round and round--like the cloud of gnats in the shade in front of me.

If you were to go somewhere, though, where would you go?

If my thoughts were to go somewhere other than round and round, where would they go?


Aurobindo seems to suggest these thoughts are limited, limiting. We transcend these somehow--and do something that is different. . .

Wilber has described a step beyond vision-logic.

Aurobindo's vision of higher human functioning I'd like to understand.

At the same time, I'm uncertain about the evolutionary view.

Stepping into, staying in, the gap, the discontinuity, could be it.

----

How loose I am--I thought then--you shake me, and I won't come back.

Trungpa's Bravery, and the oddity of Adi Da and other gurus can be understood then--only for me, in that discontinuity, no direction occurred.

---

Who are you?

I live with my grandma.

I have nothing else--no job, no life project.

Who are you?

I'm on this sort of spiritual exploration--sitting, learning yoga.

Who are you?

I post to blog often once a day, if I'm near a computer. . .

Those are some of the continuities.

You've read some of what I've written.--I've forgotten that; what you read is different than what I wrote; i'm Not There Anymore.

Gave That Up.

Memory goes away--so, why is not the forgetting, in _Cien Años_ more disruptive? I haven't read far past that, though.


--

I also had fun developing the pre-sitting ritual found in 7 laws: the breathing, and then saying a mantra, remembering a law, for each of the chakras.

The ritual is short.

But since in my sitting, I tend to relax into watching the wandering mind (and engaging it), it is good to do this little focused practice before that.

The laws are nice to remember. I like the law of Dharma--there is purpose.


MINDFULNESS, MINDLESSNESS

yes.

ATTACHMENTS

My friend!

That this woman, new friend, asked me who I was, and that I did not know. I am attached to that having happened.

That she is a she. I am attached to that. Not that I can go anywhere with it. There are guys I feel about like that too--even then not really the same.

The hard thing is--the appreciation.

It has happened recently that I have gotten some expressions of deep, sincere appreciation. Sometimes I had first expressed such to the other, sometimes not.

But what then?

It would seem that as I/ should I become more noble, developed or something, there could be more of that.

So, the Arahat overcomes attachment to objects of her desire, and then. . . has the new issue of others' attachment to her. In theory.

See Patrick Sweeney (Mahamudra Meditation). . . my god-- he is a god.

So, the monk walks with eyes down. . .

Buddha with eyes up? Do you meet gazes? Do you seek gazes? A strong woman, when I see her, I look down, away. . .

She is in me, I am in her.

---

an added element is that a lot of this appreciation is not in person--the contact is via email, say.


I don't know how to deal well with this.

Frank Cook is my best role model, perhaps--but he does what I don't seem to want to do.

He sends quick, friendly emails on occasion, checking in to see how I'm doing.

I truly appreciate him.


So do we meet these in silence and let them go?

I am appreciating my highest self in him.

She is appreciating great parts of her in me.

I am appreciating my highest self in her. I tell her.

She does not need to respond?

For me, the ones to me, they seem to ask for responses. . . but they don't really?


--

So, this new friend, I asked her almost no questions. She lives far away. I keep my eyes lowered.

I'll leave this there for now.


PLAN

I'll probably reply to an email she sent.

Maybe I can go see if my neighborhood friend is home.

Tomorrow or tonight write this outside in dawn. Not in here.

Do the yoga again.

Sit again.

Maybe go get more different things to eat somewhere.

Go through the day. Cycle.

LAW OF DAY

Intention and Desire

1. Be clear of your intentions

2. Trust the outcome

Surrender the outcome to nature.

3. Practice present moment awareness

Chakra: Solar Plexus (behind stomach, below diaphragm)
Mantra: Ram.

Om Ritam Namah

My intentions and desires are supported by cosmic intelligence.

Intentions? I don't know.

Desires? I don't know.

0806