an ethics that works (?)

2007-11-03-0644
REVIEW OF DAY
After posting, got ready to go--for entire weekend. This took a while, and went to visit fig tree, then returned.

Visited friend. A lotus for you a buddha to be (TNH).

Went to pool at State. Swam .5 hour.

Sat. (130-330?).

Yoga.

Weights. Met Hale.

Got 4oz sunflower seeds on way here. Went by friend's place 3x. . . knocked 2x, not coming out.

Back here. Ben, friend coming for dinner. Cooked. Got ready for them.

812 or so they are here.

920 or so gone. I ate what was left. Waited a while. Went out to get peanuts- 1.5lb in shell. $2.50. Ate those, read _Cien años de soledad_.

Done around 1230? Sleep. Now here.

MINDLESSNESS

The eating was mindless primarily to the extent of quantities.

I was aware while eating, more than before.

But in both cases, leftovers, peanuts, keep eating until none left (there were 3 peanuts in shell I forgot--have not eaten those--).


In this situation the amounts were not killer, meaning it's staying down, I'm not hurting teeth (so far) due to stuff coming back up.

That's good. Teeth, gums, have improved very much since I began always teeth brushing and having defined end to eating 2x/day (lapse/exception: occasional fruit tree visit).


So--with that mindlessness--I control quantity by limiting what I buy of the foods I tend to really want to eat.

The peanuts, not especially good, but I decided I did really have a desire for that much fat or something. . . I had tried to stem it with the sunflower seeds, but it was not going away, so decided it was best to do. There was not a lot of mindlessness in that.

--
Stopping by friend's house repeatedly might have been mindless?

Agreeing to friend coming for dinner? I wanted to, it was new.

Dreaming? In my last dream I woke after shouting in anger at my Grandma: "Alright, snow white, go back in there and don't come out until you can say something positive!"

Definitely a valid expression of why I avoid her.

Also: getting on Inet before this?

Even with the mindlessness, I'm more aware than before, see below.


MINDFULNESS

Greatest quality during afternoon sitting, and during weights, yoga afterward.

INSIGHTS

This is a biggie.


I'm wanting to quit this and go see friend. . .

0703
I'll copy here some notes I made afterward, this may be fine for now.

This is not my body
This is not my mind
This is not my spirit

this is _our_ body
this is _our_ mind
this is our spirit.

Bodhi Svha, Friday 1528 2 November

This is not my body.
Am I caring for our body?

This is not my mind.
Am I caring for our mind?

by what I am doing now,
am I caring for our mind?

This is not my background quality--

This is our body
This is our mind
This is our background quality

Am I caring for our background quality?

0707

I found this very helpful. Very helpful.

I can check in with this very often.

It, yesterday at least, had the effect of shutting down mind running, endless mind running, and getting me to focus on body, and

while focusing on body, to care for the mind, for the background quality (the most useful referent of "Spirit" I found).

---

Analysis, some interpretation:

Letting the mind endlessly run is similar to a food binge/ other mindless action.

What I did two days ago--responding to that new friend's email, or even sitting all afternoon, mind running. . . not lifting weights, not doing yoga--

Is similar to those binges-- it is like a mind binge.

But if--as with the body, this is not my body, and food--

I say, this is not my mind, by what I am doing now, am I caring for my mind?

I can see I'm not caring for our mind by thinking thoughts like that.

And, it seems, I can feel or at least conceive of the larger mind in which all our thoughts, verbal expressions are arising, passing away--

I can take responsibility for my participation in that larger mind.

I may try to write my new friend an email response now--


[],
Thank you so much for sharing your appreciation. I would like to learn more about you. Do tell me who you are--!

(That is a great service you did me. If you want particular questions to help start you let me know. How old are you? (Doesn't have to be true). What is your job?)

Peace,
Colin

---------------------------

That is the caring for our mind. In our mind--

Well, I got to editing that little bit, making it shorter--

In our mind, I think that is what wants to happen.

I don't focus on how (small) i feel about what she wrote. I don't focus on my reactions, my associations--my mind running, basically.

0731
I just added the parentheses part.

0732
Now, what is _not_ caring four our mind is, at some level, writing about this here.

I expect she may see I've written about my cluelessness here.

I don't expect a response at all.

--Just this:

Here, for all of our minds-- for our mind, is a record of this so we can learn.

--Just this:

I will be in this situation again and again-- and variants--

in this one, I shut down--binged-- and learned--

Maybe I can actually, in my responses, make the world a sunnier more hopeful place--

Not one where people are unable to interact. And shut down, like I did.


------
This is not my mind. By what I am doing now, am I caring for our mind?

This is not my body. By what I am doing now, am I caring for our body?

This is (not?) my background quality. By what I am doing now, am I caring for, am I aware of background quality?

-----
What I learned from studying Holacracy -- their "Decision-making by integrative (or iterative?) emergence -- their recorded meetings and conference calls-- helped me get to this place--

helped me to understand the transcending of personal concerns in order to make decisions based in a higher level of consciousness.

0739
Peace,
Colin

0743

now attempting considering writing that response.

Should I just leave it. I seem to have dissociated any personal feeling-- "I" don't want to learn more about her. Which I?

Am I caring for our mind by not sending a response?

--

I am. I just need to admit that I am weak. The thought of her replying and me needing to figure this out again seems worse than the thought of something being lost by not replying.

--

I know the emails Frank sends me do me good.

I guess she may be younger than I.

--
Am I caring for our mind / body / background quality by writing here?